Mischief Managed
by Mouse and Stupid Productions
Summary: Finally fed up after five years of ridicule and bullying, Scorpius Malfoy gets an unexpected gift from Hogwart's current prank masters. Hijinks, friendship, general mischief, and maybe even romance bloom. Scorpius/Rose eventually. Rated T for now, probably won't stay that way.
1. The Map

**A/N: Alright. So this fic is totally random and it isn't going to be the length of a novel like Don't Panic, or even a novella like I Am Not My Father. At least, I hope not. It was inspired by wishing there was something much more productive Gryffindor could do on Pottermore to keep Slytherin from kicking everyone's ass on Pottermore. **

****Chapter 1 - The Map

I walked into the Great Hall in a foul mood. I sat down at the Gryffindor table and proceeded to scowl angrily at the toast in front of me. I grabbed an empty mug and a pitcher of coffee and kept scowling.

"Why the frowny face, lion cub?"

I looked up to see James Potter, Fred Weasley, and Frank Longbottom sit down across from me.

"You lot do realise that I'm now a fifth year and not a 'cub,' right?" I asked.

"Your age is entirely irrelevant to your newbie status," Frank informed him.

"It's mostly because you're the first Gryffy-wyffy in your family," James continued.

"Pretty much ever," Fred added. "So, until there's a second generation of red and gold blooded Malfoys, you will be a lion cub."

"That's wonderful," I muttered grumpily. "Would you lot piss off now please? I'm trying to drink my breakfast in peace."

"Sorry, no," James said. "We're worried about you."

"That's nice," I replied. "Did the worry start before or after I got the shit beat out of me with a Beaters' bat when we played Slytherin last week?"

The three exchanged conferential looks.

"About the same time," Fred concluded.

"See, we think it's about high time you start to get back at the fuckers for their five year long grudge match against you," Frank said, nodding enthusiastically.

"As such, we have a gift for you," James said. "Come with us."

The three stood up and headed for the door. I grabbed my coffee and my bag and followed them into the entrance hall. They ducked into an abandoned classroom and beckoned me inside. Internally, I debated whether or not I was about to get pranked within an inch of my not very worthwhile life. Externally, I simply walked into the room.

"Right," James said, pulling out a battered piece of parchment from his bag. "So, way back something disgusting like fifty years ago when my grandparents went to school here, my granddad on my dad's side helped make this map."

"Then it got confiscated by some cretin named Filch who used to be the caretaker," Fred continued. "Some squib git with a really creepy cat. At least as my dad tells it. Anyways, my dad and my uncle Fred stole it back from Filch the cretin."

"But then when my dad was a third year, they gave it to him because he was being all down on his luck and everyone thought his godfather was trying to kill him. It was all very dark or something," James said.

"Naturally, James here nicked it off his dad's desk a few years ago and we've been running around with it ever since," Frank added.

"I didn't nick it," James insisted. "I borrowed it."

"With no intention of returning it," Frank reminded him. "Anyway, we conferenced and decided it was about time it got passed on to someone who could use it, even if it was to a goody-two-shoes lion cub such as yourself."

I blinked. "You lot do realise you're talking about a blank piece of parchment, right?"

Fred, James, and Frank rolled their eyes and glanced at the parchment. Together they pulled out their wands and tapped the parchment.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," they whispered in unison. Immediately, a spiralling spider web of ink spread from the tips of their wands across the parchment, outlining rooms and stairs and levels and passageways I knew did not exist. Then dots started appearing with banners over them stating things like "M. McGonagall" and "A. Potter."

"What is that?" I asked.

"Scorpius, mate, this is the Marauders' Map," Fred said with an air of reverence most people used for things like free Quidditch World Cup tickets.

"This is gold," James said, holding up the map. "One hundred percent galleon grade gold."

"So what?" I asked. "Great, I have a map of the school. How is that supposed to help me get back at the Slytherins who've been trying to make my life miserable for the past five years?"

"Because it's a map with all the secret passages, all the hidden stairwells, all the entrances into and out of the school, and all of the people. In real time," Frank said. "You'll always know where your targets are and how to avoid the professors."

"Is this how you idiots have got around without getting caught?" I asked, taking the parchment warily. I scanned it. "Hey, look. It's us."

Four dots were clustered in an abandoned classroom on the first floor labelled "S. Malfoy," "J. Potter," "F. Longbottom," and "F. Weasley."

Directly outside the door, however, was a dot labelled "E. MacMillan."

"Erm, guys," I said slowly. Before I could get farther than that, however, the door opened to reveal Professor MacMillan, the charms professor.

"Scorpius, what are you doing with these three?" he asked, sounding confused.

"Erm…" I said, trying to hide the map. If it was frequently confiscated, I didn't want it to go anywhere now.

"Nothing," James said. "He had nothing to do with our schemes."

"Yeah," Fred agreed. "Mischief managed long before Scorpius got here."

"Right," Professor MacMillan said. "I trust the three of you realise you're going to have detention now."

"Yes, sir," Frank agreed. "Any chance you could not write my mum about it?"

"That will be entirely up to your father," Professor MacMillan said.

"Damn," Frank said. "Right. Well, see you later Scorpius."

"Later, mate," Fred agreed, clapping me on the shoulder and leaving the room, followed closely by James, Frank, and Professor MacMillan.

I sat down on one of the desks and tried to process my day so far. It started with a first year kicking me in the shins because his parents had told him that all Malfoys were evil and not to be trusted. Then James, Fred, and Frank gave me a map, and I had my closest brush with detention. Ever.

I looked down at the map in my hand. It was now entirely blank. That's probably for the best.

I sighed and stuffed it into my bag before I made my way down to the lake with my coffee. Studying for OWLs was turning out to be easier than my parents had said it was, but they made it sound like Hercules's labours, so I wasn't exactly floating by.

I sat down on my usual rock on the far side of the lake from the castle. The closer to the Forbidden Forest the better in my opinion. No one bothers me over here. Unfortunately, right as I pulled out my Transfiguration book, someone yelled "Cannonball!"

I looked up in time to see a giant rock fly into the lake directly in front of where I was sitting. The ensuing splash covered my entire sitting area, me, my coffee, and my Transfiguration book liberally. I brushed my dripping hair out of my eyes and glanced across the lake to see three seventh year Slytherins chortling to themselves and holding their wands out.

I took a deep breath and pulled out my wand to dry my book before it mildewed.

"Dicks," said a girl's voice from beside me. I put down my now dry book before I looked over at Lily Potter. If I weren't the Keeper on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, I don't think I'd ever talk to anyone. James and Fred are two of the Chasers, which is why they talk to me. Frank talks to me because he's friends with them. Lily plays Seeker.

"Yeah, they are," I agreed.

"You should do something about them," she recommended.

"You and your brother," I muttered, glancing mournfully at my coffee and then deciding it was probably dead.

"What did James say?" she asked.

"He said I should get back at them," I replied.

"He's right," she said.

"Lily, I don't do anything like that," I pointed out. "Ever. The closest thing I do to rebellion is the fact I don't go to sleep until four in the morning most days."

She nodded slowly. "Then you're going to need a team."

"A team," I repeated blankly.

Suddenly, she got an excited look in her eyes and grinned enthusiastically. "Yeah," she said. "Like a heist team! Like you need your tech guy, and your pick pocket, and your dirty work guy, and your getaway car driver and-"

"How many Muggle films have you been watching?" I asked.

"Perhaps too many," she admitted. "But seriously."

"Thanks for the suggestion," I said. "So what brings you out to the lonely rock?"

"I heard them talking about splashing you, so I brought you new coffee," she replied, handing me an un-flooded mug.

"Thanks," I said.

"Sure," she said, starting to walk away.

"And, Lily," I called after her. "Thanks for the suggestion."

She grinned impishly. "You're welcome."

OOooOOooOOooOO

That night found me lying awake in my dormitory while the rest of the boys in my year snored. Maybe James and Lily are right. Maybe I should do something about the people who keep trying to make my life miserable. Maybe I should actually take matters into my own hands instead of just being a pacifist for my entire life. Staying out of it hasn't done me any good so far. And Lily's probably right. I do need a team. Of course, that feat would be substantially easier if I actually had friends. Without that being an immediate option, I might have to settle for loose acquaintances. But who is really the question.

I scrunched my nose in distaste and leant through my curtains. Digging through my bag, I finally came across the miraculously undamaged Marauders' Map. I grabbed my wand and closed my curtains again.

I glanced around surreptitiously before I pointed my wand at the map and whispered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."


	2. Tribbial Pursuit

**A/N: Okay. So chapter two. Essentially, I think this might be a heist movie except in fanfiction format. Or something. That's how it looks in my head. I apologise for the chapter title, it was just a ridiculous pun that I couldn't get out of my head. So that's just how it is.**

Chapter Two - Tribbial Pursuit

I very quickly decided that blackmail was probably my best option. Frank, James, Fred, and Lily all had their own things to deal with, and no one else liked me well enough right off the bat to help me. But then I had to decide who I would actually be able to blackmail.

The minute the thought crossed my mind, the dormitory door creaked open and drunken staggering announced the arrival of the middle Potter. He shuffled across the room, hiccoughed, and then fell through his curtains loudly before he started snoring. I peered through my own curtains and could see his feet. One had a shoe on it and everything, which I commended him for. However, the other was sadly lacking both shoe and sock, and his toenails were painted a very lovely shade of lilac. He also had a bottle of firewhiskey in his hand that was entirely visibly through his propped open curtains.

I retreated back into my own bed and though about what I knew of Al Potter. He was known most widely through the school as Harry Potter's son. The next thing people usually know about him is the fact he spends most of his time partying with people from every single house. The main rumour mill was currently circulating the idea he was romantically attached to a Ravenclaw fourth year. However, those of us with a connection to the Potters and Weasleys are well aware he has a boyfriend named Dylan who's in Hufflepuff. Al's never had detention, never got in trouble for anything. His grades aren't stellar but they're not bad. He might be a worthwhile choice.

OOooOOooOOooOO

As it was Sunday, half our dorm oozed out of the room at about ten thirty. Al, however, remained passed out on his bed. I waited until eleven before I crossed the room and sat down cross legged on his pillows. It took about five minutes of me staring at him for him to slowly wake up, yawn, and drop the bottle of firewhiskey he was holding. He scrambled to pick it back up and then noticed me.

He yelled. "What the fuck are you doing on my bed?"

I smiled thinly and took the firewhiskey from him.

"Funny, I thought you were only fifteen," I said casually.

"Sixteen, thanks," he replied, looking disturbed and hung over, before he grabbed the bottle back from me.

"And here I thought the legal drinking age in the Wizarding World was seventeen," I continued nonchalantly.

"What do you want?" he asked suspiciously.

"I'm looking for a…I suppose you could say partner in crime," I said.

He stared at me uncertainly for a minute. "A partner in crime?"

"Yeah," I agreed.

"Right," he said slowly. Then he raised his eyebrow like he'd suddenly realised something. "Oh. Yeah. No way, mate. That's not my style. Sorry."

"What?" I asked.

"I've got some girlfriend, mate," he said, staring at me with a disturbed expression.

I rolled my eyes and frowned at him.

"Al, I wasn't propositioning you, as I happen to like girls," I said. "I meant a literal partner in crime so that I can get back at the Slytherins for all of the irritating things they've done to me over the years. And no you don't have a girlfriend in Ravenclaw. If you did, I think your boyfriend, Dylan Abramson, might be a little bit confused."

He looked slightly unsettled for a moment.

"So, what would getting back at the Slytherins entail?" he asked finally.

I shrugged. "I haven't got that far yet."

He nodded. "They've just been fucking with you for five years?"

"Pretty much," I said.

The main problem is that no one in the school tends to like me. The Slytherins all think I'm a traitor because I got sorted into Gryffindor and the rest of the houses still think my family is evil because of the war. It's a no win situation.

Al nodded slowly. "Well, if it's to be a full scale house attack, you're going to need more than just me."

OOooOOooOOooOO

Dylan raised his eyebrow at us over his tortoiseshell glasses. "You want to study for OWLs and somehow manage to make the Slytherins regret ever fucking with you?"

"Essentially," I agreed.

Dylan's other eyebrow crept towards his hairline. "And I should help you with this why?"

"Because the Slytherins are rude to the Hufflepuffs as well at every possible opportunity?" I suggested. "And because they also tend to pick on Muggleborns and you happen to be a Muggleborn Hufflepuff?"

"And also because he knows everything we may or may not want revealed to the general public of Hogwarts," Al added.

Dylan nodded. "Yeah, see the whole blackmail thing doesn't work so well for me."

Al and I exchanged looks.

"One moment," Dylan continued. He pulled off his glasses and wiped them off on his shirt before he stood in the middle of the Hufflepuff table. "Oi! You barmy lot!"

The majority of the school was in the Great Hall for lunch at the moment, and as such, the majority turned and looked at him in confusion.

"Afternoon," he said in a carrying voice. "Just in case it hasn't been abundantly clear up to this point, I'm dating Al Potter. If anyone has a problem with that, you are kindly invited to suck it. Thank you for your time."

He sat back down on the bench slightly red in the face while the hall buzzed and kept glancing at him and Al.

"Now, Scorpius, blackmail's out of the way," he said.

Well there goes my only bargaining chip.

"Now, frankly, I think you're going to need a specific list of targets before you start planning the pranks. The Slytherin common room is obviously a key priority, but-" Dylan started to say.

"Wait," I interrupted. "You still want to help me?"

He raised his eyebrows again, looking confused. "Well, yeah," he said. He shrugged. "It'll be fun."

OOooOOooOOooOO

The three of us were huddled in the library three days later. Dylan had a piece of parchment in front of him.

"Alright," he said.

"If we're going to make a hit on the common room, we're going to need an in," I pointed out. "And I don't know anyone in Slytherin. Do you guys?"

Al thought about it for a moment and then shrugged helplessly.

"So, no," Dylan concluded. "Okay. Different angle. What skills are we going to need? We can always break into the common room if it comes to that."

"What skills?" I asked. "Someone who's good at charms, I suppose, probably transfiguration, potions…"

"We need Tribbles," Dylan said excitedly.

There was a pause while Al and I glanced at each other like we'd been friends for years and then glanced back at Dylan.

"The fuck is a Tribble?" Al asked finally.

"They're asexually reproducing puffballs from Star Trek," Dylan said slowly like we were being stupid.

There was another pause.

"What's Star Trek?" I asked.

Dylan looked scandalised. "Only one of the best TV shows ever!"

"What's a TV?" Al asked slowly.

Dylan blinked a few times. "I'm ashamed to know both of you."

"Well, if you're just looking for live puffballs, we could use pygmy puffs," I suggested.

"But we don't have any Hogsmead visits soon," Al pointed out.

Instead of letting it present a problem, I pulled out the Marauders' Map. I'd asked James how to work it at Quidditch practice the day before.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," I whispered, tapping it with my wand. The spider web burst forth. I unfolded the map quickly and found the third floor. "There."

They looked.

"Underneath a statue of a one eyed witch there's a secret passage to Hogsmead," I said, pointing at it. "It comes out at Honeydukes."

"Then let's go," Al said, heading for the library door.

"He knows it's a school night, right?" I asked.

Dylan glanced at me shortly and shook his head in mild despair. "You definitely need to get out more."

OOooOOooOOooOO

Barricaded in an abandoned classroom on the third floor, Dylan spread his parchment back out while Al dumped an armful of Honeydukes candy and chocolate on one of the desks. I pulled the puffballs out of my pockets and set them on a separate desk. The pink and purple pygmy puffs gambolled around for a moment before they cuddled up next to each other and started purring.

"They are Tribbles," Dylan said, narrowing his eyes at the pygmy puffs. "Anyways, so we need to recruit people. Now that we have our basic masterminds it shouldn't be too hard."

"Basic masterminds?" I asked.

Al raised his eyebrow at me.

"Right," I agreed. It was still slightly unsettling to be in a group scenario that had nothing to do with Quidditch. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

"So, does anyone particularly fantastic at Charms stand out to you guys?" Al asked.

"Besides Scor, who's the brightest in our year?" Dylan asked.

"Yes, besides me," I said. I have this bad habit of being a nerd.

"Well, there are those two blokes in Ravenclaw," Al said slowly. "McGeek and whateverthefuckhisnameis."

Dylan and I considered him for a moment.

"You're willingly in a relationship with him?" I asked Dylan.

"Well, not for his brains," Dylan said with a shrug.

I was pretty sure that by "McGeek" Al was referring to one Sam Baker, fifth year Ravenclaw. Sam was known to have bad social skills and idiosyncratic charm skills including creating his own and study NEWT level charms last year. With that assumption, I was fairly confident that Al's "whateverthefuckhisnameis" was Will Corner, a Chaser on the Ravenclaw team. Rumour mill has it that he's a full Animagus already, even though he's only fifteen.

"So, are either of you guys friends with Sam or Will?" I asked.

They stared at me in slightly creepy unison. Then they exchanged looks.

"This is your fault," Dylan informed Al.

"How is it my fault?" Al asked.

"You're the one who shared a dormitory with him for five years and didn't make friends with him until he blackmailed you into helping him seek revenge on the Slytherins," Dylan said grumpily.

"Well, it's not like you haven't had classes with him for five years," Al replied.

I waited until I was relatively sure they were done talking. "What was that argument about?" I asked.

"Why it's Al's fault we haven't been friends with you for longer," Dylan explained offhandedly. I tried not to show shock that they actually wanted to be friends with me.

"And yeah, I think Dylan's friends with at least Sam," Al said.

"Well, friend is the wrong word," Dylan replied. "No one's really_ friends_ with Sam per se, except Will, but I talk to him often enough."

"And then we can just blackmail Will into it because he's an Animagus," I said simply.

Dylan frowned at me. "No blackmail," he said. "Or I'll smack you in the nose with one of the Tribbles."

"Pygmy puffs," Al and I corrected in unison.

Dylan glared at both of us. "Whatever. So who's good at potions?"

All three of us fell silent. Then it hit me.

"My cousin," I said. "And she's in Slytherin."

They blinked at me. "Who?" Al asked.

"Emerald Zabini," I said. "She's only a fourth year, but I'm pretty sure she'd help us."

"Then all we'll have to do is recruit them," Al said, and then he smirked evilly.

**Review!**

**And on a side note, the main characters from this are essentially a consolidated version of the characters from Don't Panic, as long as they were consolidated with the main characters from I Am Not My Father. Anyone else hate making up new characters?**


	3. Some Assembly Required

**A/N: Okay. Third chapter. It should get more fun after this one. That is, if I pretend I actually have a real plan... Special shout outs to Alikmionejean, Prunella7, Grey Eminence, talyag, and Pinkylovesbrown for reviewing! And about the title of this chapter, yes I realise it's the tagline for the Avengers (besides "Earth's Mightiest Heroes") but I figured it might be appropriate. **

Chapter Three - Some Assembly Required

Em was actually the easiest to convince. I told her the general idea of what we were planning, no matter how weird it felt to be part of a "we," and she jumped at the chance to get back at her house.

I don't know how Dylan convinced Will, since I know he doesn't like me, but nevertheless, Will and Sam both showed up for our first meeting.

"Malfoy," Will said, sitting down at one of the desks in the abandoned classroom. He is easily the best Chaser in the entire school, any house, any year. I am the only Keeper who can block his shots. Therefore, he doesn't like me.

"Don't even, dog boy," Al said. Sam sat quietly in the desk next to Will. Almost immediately, he pulled out a notebook and started scribbling something.

Before I could ask what he was writing, Will flicked him in the arm.

"A spell that makes you feel like you're on drugs without the side effects," Sam said with no further explanation.

Em chose that moment to walk in. "And he's only doing this because he's on drugs already, right?" she asked.

"Something like that," Will said. "Hi, who're you?"

He was smiling suavely at her, which was slightly disturbing to me, as she's my cousin. She gave him a once over and smiled slightly.

"Em Zabini," she said, sitting down in the desk next to him. "Fourth year. Slytherin."

Will looked confused, but I couldn't tell if he was more confused about her year or her house.

"Is this it?" Will asked after Em had sat down.

"Yep," Dylan said. "The three of you were chosen because of your prestigious skills in certain desirable areas. However, our first order of business is in coming up with a target list."

"Well, obviously, the Slytherin table in the Great Hall," Em said instantly. "But we'd have to find the kitchens for that."

"I know where the kitchens are," Dylan said, grabbing a piece of chalk and writing down Em's suggestion on the blackboard. "So, I propose we make this our headquarters and figure out an awesome way to lock the door."

"I can do that," Sam said excitedly.

"Thanks," Dylan said. "Alright. Anyone else?"

"The common room," Al reminded him. Dylan scribbled it on the board.

"Quidditch changing rooms," Sam suggested.

In perfect unison, Will and I threw small, readily available objects at his head.

"Ow, what?" Sam asked, rubbing his head and looking affronted.

"Quidditch is sacred, you heathen," Will said, sounding mortally offended.

"I'm sorry!" Sam exclaimed. I threw another Puking Pastille at him for good measure.

"Anyways," Al said, giving all three of us weird looks. "If there's nothing beyond the common room and the table, then we should focus on the individuals."

"Right," I agreed. "Anyone have an personal problems?"

All six of us fell silent in contemplation.

Chronologically, my list would have to start with Travis Flint, who pushed me out of the boat across the lake in first year. Technically, he wasn't a Slytherin yet, and I wasn't a Gryffindor, but the sucker marks from the Giant Squid lasted in full purple form for about a year and I can still see the scars.

After that, it would have to be Garth McNair, who locked me in the dungeons for three nights before Professor Greenwood, the potions master, found me and let me out.

In third year, Maleficent Goyle got me kidnapped by the centaurs, which very nearly got me killed until I was able to explain to them I actually thought they were cool and I was in Gryffindor.

Last year, Conrad Ackerly tied me to the battlements of the Astronomy tower and left me there. Fortunately, I managed to summon my broom and get out of it.

And then two weeks ago, there was the Slytherin Beater, Jared Chase, who beat the shit out of me with his bat.

"There's this really dickish guy in my year who keeps flirting with me," Em said.

"The entire Slytherin Quidditch team," Will said.

"I thought you said Quidditch was sacred," Sam replied, looking hopelessly confused.

"The sport is," I said. "The players aren't."

"Unless it's the Harpies' swimsuit calendar," Will mumbled. Al walked calmly across the room and slapped him.

"My mother played for the Harpies," he said, glaring at Will.

"I know," Will said, clearly trying to keep all inflection out of his voice. Al wasn't buying it, because he decked him.

Will fell over backwards with a thud and was immediately beset upon by the two pygmy puffs.

"Is it just me or did the pink one get fatter?" Dylan asked quietly while Em and Sam gathered around Will and Al and tried to keep them apart.

"She got fatter," I agreed.

Dylan's eyes went wide in momentary horror. "The Tribbles are breeding."

"Pygmy puffs," I corrected.

"Whatever," he said, sounding slightly irritated.

Before I could comment on the fertility of the puffs, Will managed to haul himself off the floor and tackle Al. Dylan calmly stepped away from them and picked up the chalk. He wrote down a few names of people in Slytherin.

"Alright, Scor, who are yours?" he asked.

"Should we worry about Al and Will?" I asked, dodging around them as well.

"I figure it's better to just have them get it over with and be done with this aspect of their working together," Dylan replied with a shrug.

I processed for a moment then told him my list. Em added hers. Sam apparently didn't know anyone in Slytherin. Will and Al were otherwise occupied, so I told Dylan the names of the Slytherin Quidditch players.

When the two fighting knocked over a desk, though, it sent a loud bang through the stone room. The noise was loud enough that they stopped. They picked themselves up and dusted themselves off before looking slightly ashamed.

Unfortunately, the door burst open. Al groaned when he saw who it was.

Because it was Saturday, Rose Weasley apparently saw no reason to wear her uniform. Instead, she was wearing a short navy blue dress, lace stockings, and slightly garish high heels. Her long red hair was half pinned on one side and she was taking in the entire scene with her chocolate brown eyes.

Rose is at least as smart as I am. Try as I might, I can't change that. However, unlike me, she parties at least as much as Al, if not more, and is known throughout Hogwarts as being slightly more liberal with her body than others.

"You lot are up to no good," she said in her soft, velvety voice. She walked into the room and sat down on one of the desks with her legs crossed. "Is that a list of Slytherins? What are you all doing?"

"It's none of your business, Rosie," Al said, glaring at her. "Go away."

"Why would I go away?" she asked. "This is so much more fun."

"You don't know what we're even doing," Dylan said.

"You're doing my cousin," she replied quickly.

"Pretty much everyone has done a Weasley at one point or another," Will said.

Rose shrugged nonchalantly. "Blondie hasn't," she said.

"Who's Blondie?" I asked. Rose has always made me uncomfortable.

She raised her eyebrow at me, then stood up, crossed the room, and tousled my hair. She held my face in between two of her fingers and shook my head for me. "You're Blondie, sweetheart," she said, digging her nails into my jaw before she let go.

"Leave the boy alone, Rosie," Al said. "He just learned how to talk to people. We haven't taught him how to talk to girls yet."

I should probably be offended, but I can't find it in myself.

Rose gave Al a disapproving look and sat back down on the desk. "So what are you lot doing with a bunch of Slytherin names?"

"Nothing, piss off," Al said.

"Not until you tell me what you're doing," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"And it's never going to happen, so go away," Al said.

"Hmm," Rose said. She started inspecting her nails and looked like she had absolutely no intention of leaving anytime soon.

The main thing I know about Rose, and I mean personally not something I've heard around, is that she's not very nice to people like me. Hopeless, loner nerds, that is. By this criterion, she was also giving Will and Sam skeptical looks. In their cases, it didn't help that they're in Ravenclaw. If I'd been in Ravenclaw, it would've been worse. Of course, if I'd been in Ravenclaw, Will and I would've been on the same Quidditch team and therefore we would've been unbeatable.

"Well, Al," Rose said. "Whateverthefuckhisnameis and Blondie are both thinking about Quidditch. McGeek is thinking about charming my skirt so he can see my underwear. You just want to take your boyfriend off to a more comfortable room. Said boyfriend is trying to mentally force me to go away, and your fourth year is wondering where I got my dress."

All six of us looked awkward and slightly ashamed.

"Now, since there's no point in trying to keep secrets from me, how about you boys and fourth year let me in on what you're up to," she suggested.

"You know how the Slytherins are dicks?" Em asked finally.

Rose raised one perfect eyebrow at her. "Aren't you in Slytherin?"

Em blushed slightly. "Yes, but because I'm cunning, not because I'm a rat faced bastard."

"Fine," Rose said, looking slightly disinterested. "Slytherins are dicks. What about it?"

"We're trying to get back at them for it," Will said.

Rose blinked slowly. Then she scrutinised us more carefully. "Charms, Transfiguration, Potions," she listed, pointing at Sam, Will, and Em in turn. "So that makes the three of you," she gestured at me, Dylan, and Al, "the masterminds."

We didn't say anything, seeming to decide on solidarity instead.

"Well, you boys and fourth year are missing something quite important," she said.

"What?" Dylan asked.

Rose smiled, and if it hadn't been for the malicious gleam in her eye, she would've looked quite pretty. "A distraction."

OOooOOooOOooOO

It only took us twenty minutes to decide to let Rose in.

"No," Dylan said vehemently.

"Remember how you always tell me I'm not to blackmail people?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied.

"Rose will blackmail us," Al said.

"How about a vote?" Will suggested.

It ended up me, Sam, Al, and Em in favour of letting Rose in, even if it was just to save our own asses. Will and Dylan held out against it, but majority rule held up.

"Alright," Al said to Rose. "You can join us on a few conditions."

"What are they?" she asked, looking wholly unconcerned.

"You stop calling Will and Sam 'whateverthefuckhisnameis' and 'McGeek,' and you stop calling Em 'fourth year,'" Dylan said. "Or Scor 'Blondie.'"

I nodded in agreement.

"Sure," Rose said. "What are your actual names?"

"Will Corner," Will said, looking irritated.

"Sam Baker, hi," Sam said, offering her his hand to shake. She stared from it back to him and then didn't shake his hand.

"Em Zabini," Em said, looking grumpy.

"Scorpius Malfoy," Al said, pointing at me.

"And you really don't know how to talk to girls?" Rose asked me, looking somewhat amused. "Why's Em any different?"

"I'm his cousin," Em explained.

"Oh, that's cute," Rose said. "It's a family affair. So who are our targets?"

"Gordon Montague," Em said. "He's a right creep."

"Travis Flint, Garth McNair, Maleficent Goyle, and Conrad Ackerly," I listed. I can talk in front of girls as long as I'm not trying to directly talk to them.

"The entire Slytherin Quidditch team," Will said.

"With special emphasis on Jared Chase," I added.

"The common room, and the table in the Great Hall," Al finished.

Rose smiled. "Great start," she said. "But you're missing someone crucial."

"Who?" Dylan asked, staring at her reproachfully.

Rose smiled coldly and took his chalk before she wrote a final name on our list.

The six of us stared at her in utter shock and horror.

"That's not flirting with disaster at all," Dylan said.

"What's the fun in flirting if it's not with danger?" Rose asked.

I stared at the last name on the list. I hadn't really intended it to go that far, but now that I think about it, why not try to get the head of Slytherin house?

**Review!**


	4. Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass

**A/N: Alright, so about the cover art. It's terrible, yes I know. However, I'm not an artist, and I had absolutely zero artistic tools available to me. As such, that is made out of cardboard and decorated with eyeliner and nail polish. Considering the mediums I had available, it's not the worst thing ever, right? **

Chapter Four - Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass**  
**

"Alright," Dylan said. "So you all know what needs to be done over the Christmas hols, right?"

"Right," we all mumbled.

"And I don't mean studying for OWLs," he added.

"We should probably do that too though," Sam said, looking worried. "I mean, I'm really terrible at everything besides Charms, I need to study more so I don't fail everything. Oh Merlin, I'm going to fail everything."

At that point he curled up in the foetal position on the floor of our headquarters and started muttering to himself about failing all his OWLs and not being allowed to take NEWTs at all and never getting a job.

We stared at him for a moment, and then returned our attentions to Dylan.

"You all know, right?" he reiterated.

"Yes," we chorused.

"Great, we're going to be late for the train," he replied, running out the door.

"Late?" Sam exclaimed, jumping up and running as well. Will rolled his eyes and followed him, leaving me, Al, Rose, and Em alone.

"I'll see you at Christmas, Scor," Em said, clapping me on the shoulder and walking out of the room as well.

"Oh, piss it," Al said suddenly.

"What?" Rose and I asked in unison.

"James is passed out piss drunk in the Quidditch changing rooms. Mum'll kill him if he doesn't make it back for Christmas," he explained, running out of the room in search of his wayward brother. I generally like James, but he worries me sometimes.

"So, are you nervous yet?" Rose asked, smirking at me.

I glanced around the room and saw the chalkboard with our list on it, the pygmy puffs in their cage, the cabinet full of Honeydukes chocolate. And Rose, standing between me and the door.

"Nervous about what?" I asked, trying to display some of the courage that had got me into Gryffindor in the first place and thus landed me in this situation.

Apparently it didn't work, because she grabbed my school tie and pulled me towards her with a malicious grin on her face.

"You're not supposed to be nervous about me, Blondie," she said softly.

I swallowed uncomfortably.

"You're supposed to be nervous about the fact we're about to start this whole revenge prank war of yours," she said. "The day we get back from the Christmas hols."

"Right," I said, wishing she'd let go of my tie.

"But don't worry," she said. "We're starting with small potatoes."

My brow furrowed in utter confusion. "What do potatoes have to do with it?"

She rolled her eyes. "It's an expression, Blondie. You seriously need a few lessons in talking to people."

She let go of my tie and walked out the door, leaving me alone with the pygmy puffs.

OoooOOooOOooOO

"How was term?" my mum asked when we'd apparated back into the entrance hall of the manor.

"Fine," I said dismissively.

"Are people treating you better?" she asked.

"No," I replied, starting for the stairs.

"Well, have you made any friends?" she asked, sounding slightly desperate.

"Yeah," I said, smiling at her in what was probably a disturbing way. I left her standing at the foot of the stairs and made my way to my room.

My room was papered in emerald green and silver at my grandfather's insistence. He decided when I was born that I was going to be a Slytherin forever and ever and as such, he instructed my parents on how to decorate my room. I tried to change it when I was sorted into Gryffindor, but he decorated with a permanent sticking charm. Of course, he also stopped talking to me when I got sorted into Gryffindor, so that one didn't really work out too well for him. He even went so far as to disinherit me and give all of my inheritance to my dad. However, when he died a few years ago, my dad gave me my inheritance anyways.

OOooOOooOOooOO

I started the next day by digging through my bookshelf for the hollow book that holds my Gringotts key. I pocketed it and made my way downstairs.

"Mum, I'm going to Diagon Alley," I called, ducking into the fireplace and throwing in some floo powder.

After too much spinning, I tumbled out of the fireplace at the Leaky Cauldron and was helped to my feet by Frank Longbottom.

"What are you up to, Scor?" he asked.

"Remember when you guys gave me the map and told me I should do something about the Slytherins?" I asked.

"Sure," he replied.

"I'm doing something," I explained. He raised his eyebrow at me and then shrugged. I nodded once in his direction and stepped into the snowy alley.

I was halfway down it, with my Gryffindor scarf wrapped tightly around my neck, when a chunk of ice hit me in the back of the head. I turned around to see a Slytherin, who I think was named Gordon Montague, laughing at me.

"Did you throw that?" I asked, frowning at him.

He's on the list already. That makes it easier.

"You're a loser," he replied.

"Funny, I think I keep kicking your team's arse on the Quidditch pitch," I said, for once starting to feel genuinely irritated with these people.

"Yeah, but you're a loser in everything else," he continued.

"And here I thought I was the smartest person in my year," I replied pensively.

"Well, I'm not in your year, am I?" he asked, taking a step closer and picking up another chunk of ice.

"No, you're not," I agreed. "And I have an aversion to picking on younger students, fortunately for you."

He glared at me and hurled the ice chunk at me. Before it could attempt to break my nose, it exploded into snow. Both of us turned and stared at the girl in the navy cloak holding her wand aloft. Her hood was fur lined and her long scarlet hair was spilling out of one side of it.

"Now, Montessori," Rose said, stepping in between us.

"Montague," he corrected, glaring at her.

"Whatever," she replied. "Montague. If I were an impotent little git such as yourself, I wouldn't spend my time picking on people who happen to be older, wiser, stronger, and taller than me. Now please kindly piss off before I explode your balls for fun."

She smiled sweetly at him with her wand pointed between his legs.

He glanced at her wand, gave me a death glare, and disappeared down the alley.

Rose pocketed her wand and turned to face me. "He's on the list already, isn't he?"

"Em's suggestion," I replied, whatever verboseness I'd acquired around Montague instantly dissipated by Rose's presence.

"Hmm," she said thoughtfully. "Let's do him first."

I nodded silently in agreement and headed towards Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

"So, what are you up to?" she asked, following me. "Besides getting in terrible snowball fights with Slytherin pricks?"

"Weasley's Wizard Wheezes," I replied.

"That's what Al said. I hope you don't mind if I join you," she said. "If I'm there, you'll get everything on offer."

"Okay," I said somewhat lamely.

We walked in silence for a minute or two before she pushed her hood off her face and scrutinised me.

"Do I make you uncomfortable?" she asked.

"No," I lied. Probably because she knew I was lying, she placed her gloved hand on the inside of my elbow. I glanced down at it and then raised my eyebrow at her in confusion.

"Oh good, I'd hate to make you uncomfortable," she said with a smile.

We walked the rest of the way to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes in silence. When we walked in, we were instantly smothered by the noise of a hundred or so parents looking for presents for their children. Rose let go of my elbow and hugged a tall man with fire coloured hair and magenta robes.

"Hi, Daddy!" she exclaimed.

"That's never a good start," the man replied, staring down at her suspiciously. "What do you want?"

"Just shopping," she replied, letting go of him and smiling innocently up at him. "Oh, this is my friend Scor."

She grabbed me out of the crowd and pulled me over.

Rose's father looked me over and then his eyes narrowed. "Wouldn't happen to be short for Scorpius would it?"

"Daddy," Rose admonished, narrowing her eyes right back at her father.

"It is," I admitted.

He looked me over again with a snarl on his face. "Who'd you steal the Gryffindor scarf from?"

"I didn't steal it," I said. "I'm in Gryffindor."

He looked genuinely shocked and confused by this information. "Really?"

"Really," I replied. "I even play for the Gryffindor Quidditch team."

His brow furrowed. "Seeker, like your father?"

"Dad, Lily plays Seeker," Rose reminded him. "Scor's a Keeper. Just like you were."

He glared at me once more. "Don't touch my daughter."

Then he disappeared into the crowds.

"Well, that was fun," Rose said cheerfully, grabbing me by the elbow again and pulling me deeper into the shop.

"Your definition of fun is incredibly twisted," I informed her.

She giggled. "Thanks."

"It wasn't a compliment," I replied.

"I know," she said. "So what are we here for?"

"Portable swamp, decoy detonators, Peruvian instant darkness powder, a giant skiving snack box, fake wands, and a love potion," I listed. "Or two."

Rose looked somewhat confused. "Why two love potions?"

"Because I think Will's going to need all the help he can get if he keeps flirting with Em," I explained.

She giggled again.

"Alright," she said. "So you go get the swamp, decoy detonators, and darkness powder, I'll find the rest of it, and we'll meet back here."

"Okay," I agreed, heading off to the other side of the shop. I collected my items and made my way back to where I'd last seen Rose. She was waiting for me with an armful of her own, including a giant box of Weasley's Wild-Fire Whizbangs.

"Those weren't on the list," I said.

"I know," she replied. "So, if we're going to get the table in the Great Hall, why aren't we getting Canary Creams and the like?"

"Because of timing issues," I explained, finding it easier to talk to her when it wasn't just small talk.

"Ah," she said. "Well, I'll take these, and you give me your money, and I'll go pay."

"Why you?" I asked.

"Weasley family discount," she replied, smiling brightly at me and taking my bag from me. She disappeared again and left me standing alone in the middle of the shop.

OOooOOooOOooOO

The first day back from break, we were all to pool our various acquisitions in headquarters. I was the first to arrive and when I walked in, the room was entirely full of squeaking. I glanced suspiciously at the pygmy puff cage and promptly dropped my bag in shock.

The door swung open behind me and hit me in the back.

"Whoa, sorry mate," Al said, squeezing into the room with Dylan. "What's with the face?"

I pointed wordlessly at the cage.

"I told you they were Tribbles!" Dylan exclaimed.

"Pygmy puffs," Al and I corrected.

"Whatever!" Dylan exclaimed. "Their only purpose in life is to eat and breed and that's what they've done!"

Where there had been two pygmy puffs before break, the cage was now full of about thirty. The pink and purple ones we'd actually purchased were somewhere in the middle while the miniscule others were swirling around them, squeaking and purring alternately, in varying shades of pink, purple, lilac, violet, and a few were even striped.

"At least they're cute?" Dylan suggested.

Al and I shrugged.

"They need a bigger cage," I replied.

The door swung open again and Will and Sam walked in.

"What the fuck happened to the pygmy puffs?" Will asked, looking disturbed.

"They bred," I explained.

Will nodded. "Sounds like a fun way to spend Christmas."

"What does?" Sam asked.

The four of us cast him disparaging looks and I crept closer to the cage. I poked my finger through the bars and instantly one of the lilac ones grabbed onto it with it's tiny paws. It started purring more.

"They really are cute," Al admitted.

I nodded in agreement and opened the cage. I picked up the one that was clinging to my finger and then close the cage again.

"I'm keeping this one," I said.

"That's fair," Dylan replied.

"What are you going to name it?" Em asked from the doorway.

"I have to name it?" I asked. I've never had a pet before. "Erm...Tribble."

"Bastard," Dylan replied. "Just confuse me more."

"I thought it was pretty clear where you stood," Al said, grinning cheekily at him. "And where's Rose?"

"Sorry I'm late," Rose said, running into the room.

"Actually, you have perfect timing," Em informed her. "In a 'speak of the Devil' sort of way."

"Thanks," Rose replied. "Okay, so over break, Scor and I decided that Gordon Montague is first on the list."

The others exchanged looks.

"With the original plan for him?" Will asked.

"Why not?" I replied.

Will nodded. "Alright, then, let's get started."

**Review!**


	5. Love Potion Number 9

**A/N: Okay, so the most beautiful piece of poetic justice in fiction that I've ever seen was in the show Eureka, or A Town Called Eureka if you live in the UK. This chapter isn't quite that awesome in terms of poetic justice, but hopefully, it's not bad. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!**

****Chapter Five - Love Potion Number 9

I lay in wait behind a suit of armour on the seventh floor. According to the Marauder's Map, M. McGonagall was headed in my direction. The Hogwarts headmistress is terrifying at best most of the time. Rumour has it she had some tragic past love life or something, but most people are too scared of her to investigate further. At the moment, she's got no reason to distrust me, since I've never been in trouble once. To that end, I'm also sort of fond of her, since she was the head of my house for a very long time. I felt sort of bad about our immediate plans concerning her, but not bad enough to not do it.

I heard the click of her shoes on the stone floors and a moment later she appeared in the corridor.

I stealthily drew my wand and pointed it around the suit of armour. "_Accio_," I whispered. McGonagall held the side of her head looking confused for a moment. I caught the few strands of grey hair that had flown towards me.

"Peeves," she said after a pause. Then she trotted off to go find the troublesome poltergeist.

I dislodged myself from behind the suit of armour and made my way back to headquarters.

"Did you get it?" Dylan demanded the moment I walked in the door.

"Did you feed Tribble?" I replied.

He gave me a dirty look. "Of course I fed him," he said. "I fed all of them."

"Good," I said. "And of course I got it."

I set McGonagall's hair on one of the desks. Em immediately picked it up.

"Oh my god, she uses fantastic shampoo," she said.

"Really?" Rose asked, picking up one of the strands as well. "Oh my god, she does!"

"Do girls disturb you guys as well?" Will asked quietly.

"And then people look at me and ask me, 'Al, why are you gay?' and that is my answer," Al said.

"Sorry," Em replied. "Okay. So we've got about twenty minutes before dinner. Let's do this."

She grabbed one of the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes love potions and dropped McGonagall's hair into it. It bubbled, fizzed, and then settled back into the violent pink colour it had been.

"And it was decreed, let the punishment fit the crime," Dylan said zenly. Then he smiled somewhat evilly.

"Alright, Will, you're up," Al said.

Will grabbed the potion and pointed his wand at it. Very quickly it turned into half a chocolate bar. Sam grabbed one of the Honeydukes chocolate bars out of the cabinet and broke it in half. He put the love potion one into the wrapper with it and waved his wand. They melded together and the word "Honeydukes" appeared imprinted in it.

"Em, make sure you get a piece from the half that says 'honey' on it," Sam instructed.

"Right," Em agreed. She wrapped up the chocolate bar in it's original wrapper and handed it to Rose. "You're up."

"Thanks," Rose said, dropping her cloak and unbuttoning the top three buttons of her uniform shirt. Her bra was Gryffindor red. Probably because Will, Sam, and I were staring at her vacantly, she rolled her eyes and tossed her hair irritatedly. "He's not going to talk to me if I go up in my uniform."

She pulled up her uniform skirt a bit, winked at the three of us and walked out of the room.

"Em, go on," Al commanded. Em ran out the door towards the Entrance Hall. "You three, eyes back in your heads instead of an imaginary set of my cousin's knockers."

Will and I looked ashamed. Sam didn't seem to understand why fantasising about Rose's breasts was wrong.

"Anyone else want to watch this?" Dylan asked.

"Yeah," Will and I said in unison, following him out the door. Sam and Al followed at a distance.

We stopped at the base of the marble staircase and pulled out notebooks and school books so we could pretend to be studying.

As we sat there, Gordon Montague walked into the Entrance Hall and was immediately stopped by Rose.

"Montessori," she said, batting her eyelashes at him.

He glared at her, then noticed her shirt and her legs and stopped glaring. "It's Montague."

"Right," Rose said with a little laugh. "Montague. I just wanted to apologise for what happened over break. It was very uncalled for on my part. I hope you'll accept my apology."

She sounded so earnest I almost believed her. Montague definitely did.

"Sure, Rose," he said, smiling lecherously at her. I exchanged nauseouslooks with Al.

"Great," Rose said. "This is for you."

She pulled out the chocolate bar and handed it to him. Montage accepted it.

Almost involuntarily it seemed, Sam snickered to himself. Al, Dylan, Will, and I glared at him darkly. Montague glanced over and saw us, then looked at the chocolate bar suspiciously. He opened it and sniffed it.

Em chose that moment to waltz by.

"Ooh, chocolate," she said enthusiastically, breaking off a piece from the side that said "Honey" on it. She ate it and then winked cheerfully at Montague before running off.

"See you around, Montague," Rose said, ducking into the Great Hall. Montague watched her go and then stormed over to the five of us.

"Well, Malfoy," he said, glaring at me. "Looks like your girlfriend likes me more than she likes you."

He smirked condescendingly in my direction and took a bite of chocolate from the bad side.

"My girlfriend?" I repeated.

"You know," he replied. "Ro..."

He cut off with a blank expression on his face. He stayed frozen for a moment with his eyes glazed over, and slowly a single drip of drool started to roll down his chin.

I exchanged confused looks with Al.

"Oh, Merlin," Montague said in a dreamy voice. "I've got to tell her."

"Tell who what?" Dylan asked cautiously.

Montague didn't answer and instead ran towards the Great Hall. We jumped up quickly and stuffed our books away before we followed him.

He burst through the doors to the Great Hall and ran directly up the centre aisle to the Head table. Professor McGonagall was sitting in her chair eating her dinner with dignity.

Montague arrived at the table out of breath directly in front of Professor McGonagall, his eyes lighted excitedly.

"What is it, Mr Montague?" Professor McGonagall asked, looking slightly concerned.

Montague grinned. "I love you."

You could've heard a bowtruckle sigh, the hall was so silent.

"Excuse me?" Professor McGonagall asked after what felt like a ten minute pause.

Sam and Will sat down at the end of the Ravenclaw table and indicated we should all move along to our own tables. Dylan sidled over to the Hufflepuff table and sat down. Al and I shuffled as quietly as possible over to the Gryffindor table where Rose was sitting. She smiled evilly at us when we got there.

"I love you, Minnie," Montague said enthusiastically.

"'Minnie?'" Professors Longbottom and McMillan repeated from either side of her. Professor Greenwood was hiding her laugh in her tea.

"Minnie," Montague repeated. "Minerva. Goddess of wisdom, and beauty."

He sounded so sincere about it I almost felt bad for him. Then I remembered the ice chunks he'd thrown at my head and Em saying he was a lecherous creep, and the way he'd stared at Rose's chest. At that point, I stopped feeling bad.

"Professor Nott," McGonagall said darkly, glaring down the table at the Astronomy teacher and head of Slytherin house. "Discipline your students."

"I don't know what's wrong with him, Professor," Nott replied. "Montague, detention."

"Minerva, _my_ Minerva," Montague said imploringly at McGonagall. "You're not really going to let him give me detention, are you?"

At that point he grabbed McGonagall's hand and tried to kiss it. She pulled it out of his grasp quickly and stood up.

"Mr Montague, you will be in detention until Easter," she said, her eyes blazing with fire. She glared at him and stormed out of the hall, leaving a much confused Montague in her wake.

He stood there for a moment, blinking in confusion, and then slowly drug his feet back over to the Slytherin table. He sat down next to Em. Rose, Al, and I watched as she patted him consolingly on the shoulder and offered him a pick-me-up. He downed it in one go and then froze, much the way he had when the love potion started to work on him.

His jaw went slack and his eyes went wide in horror.

"Oh, Merlin," he exclaimed. "Shit. Professor McGonagall!"

He ran out of the hall, hollering for the Professor.

"That was beautiful," Al said while the entire hall burst into laughter, including most of the professors. Nott looked slightly pissed off, but the rest of them were definitely amused.

"Come on," Rose said. "We'll get some food for the puffs and go back to headquarters to celebrate."

We grabbed an entire loaf of pumpkin bread and made our way out of the hall. We were quickly joined by Dylan who informed us Will, Sam, and Em were close behind.

After we were safely barricaded in headquarters we let the pygmy puffs out of their cage so they could gambol around and eat the pumpkin bread.

"That went even better than expected," Will said, sitting on one of the desks and picking up a puff.

"It was really funny," Sam agreed.

"So, who's our next target?" Rose asked, crossing Gordon Montague off the list.

"I think damage control might have to be our next target," Em said, looking nervous.

"What do you mean?" Al asked.

"I mean I heard Montague telling Professor Nott that Rose and Scor were behind this," she said.

We all fell silent in contemplation.

"Well, on Scor's side, he has the added benefit that he's never even been close to detention or doing anything wrong," Dylan said slowly.

"I've had detention," Rose said. "From Professor Nott."

All of us stared at her in shock.

"You have?" Al asked.

"Yep," Rose said darkly. "Why do you think I wanted him on the list?"

"Great," Dylan said.

"Well..." Em started. Then she grinned. "I have an idea."

She ran out of the room without further explanation.

"Where is she going?" Will asked.

I pulled the Marauder's Map out of my pocket. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," I muttered, tapping it with my wand.

Em's dot appeared in the hall just outside headquarters, moving quickly towards the stairs and then as we watched, to Professor McGonagall's office. Standing just outside the entrance to the office was Professor Longbottom. Em stood there with Professor Longbottom for a moment and then the two of them went into McGongall's office. The three dots stood around for a few minutes and then Em left. We watched her dot come down the hall and then the stairs and then into our corridor.

The door to headquarters swung open and Em walked in, grinning and wiping fake tears off her cheeks.

"What did you just do?" Dylan asked.

"I just saved all our asses," she said.

"How?" I asked.

"Because, my dear cousin, I just went and told Professor Longbottom that I was in the Slytherin common room and I overheard Montague and Nott plotting to blame this all on you and Rose and the rest of the Gryffindors," she said. "He got all defensive and said you two would never and then took me in to tell McGonagall what I'd 'overheard.'"

We let this sink in.

"So now when we get the rest of them and they all run to McGonagall claiming it was us, she'll think it's all some Slytherin plot to destroy the Gryffindors?" Will summarised.

"Exactly," Em said, looking pleased with herself. "And since I'm a Slytherin, they believed me."

"Marry me," Will replied.

Em raised her eyebrow at him and then laughed.

While the rest of them congratulated each other on a plan perfectly pulled off, Rose leaned over to me. She nodded in Will and Em's direction.

"I guess that's why we got the second love potion, isn't it?" she asked, winking at me.

For once, instead of being paralysed by the idea of talking to a girl, I laughed. "Yeah, it is."

**Review!**


	6. The Kraken

**A/N: To all my reviewers, thank you. **

Chapter Six - The Kraken **  
**

A few weeks following the relatively entertaining success with Gordon Montague, we found ourselves back in headquarters.

"So, who's our next target?" Dylan asked, looking at the list.

"I say Travis Flint," Rose suggested. "He just sounds like a dick."

"He is," Em and I assured her in unison.

"So what was his crime?" Al asked.

"He threw me in the lake on the way to the Sorting Ceremony," I explained. The others exchanged looks. I sighed and rolled up my uniform sleeves. The sucker shaped scars on my arms shone in the watery February sunlight coming through the windows.

"What are those?" Will asked.

"Scars from the Giant Squid," I explained.

"Okay, so he does deserve it then," Will agreed. "What are we going to do to him?"

"I was thinking something with a portable swamp," Dylan suggested, looking devious.

"Sounds great," Sam replied. "How about Saturday?"

"Can't," Will and I said in unison. "Quidditch."

"Men," Rose grumbled.

"It's the Ravenclaw/Gryffindor game," I said, trying not to glare at her. It wasn't particularly easy.

"And Blondie, you can be damn sure I'm going to get a goal past you this time," Will added, giving me a death glare.

"You're more than welcome to try," I replied. "As I'm sure you will. However, please remember-"

"That in the three years you've been Keeper no one's scored a single goal against Gryffindor unless you'd recently been attacked by Bludgers and were unconscious?" Rose suggested.

"Since when do you know anything about Quidditch?" Al asked curiously.

Rose shrugged. "Our whole family played Quidditch except for my mum, Aunt Fleur, and crazy uncle Percy. Even Grandma Weasley played, Al."

"Right," Al said. "And now you and me."

"It's made up for by James, Lily, Hugo, Fred, Roxie, Dom, Lucy, Molly, Victoire, and Louis," Rose replied.

"Are you two really the only ones in your family who never played Quidditch?" Will asked.

"Yeah," Rose said.

"Huh," Will replied. "Well, your brother's a great Chaser."

"And if someone could explain to me how he ended up in Ravenclaw and playing Chaser, then we'd really have a story," Rose said. "So if we can't do Travis Flint on Saturday, how about Sunday?"

"Works for me," Dylan said. "I was going to spend the Quidditch game studying anyways."

Will and I gave him dirty looks.

"Yeah, me too," Al replied, winking at Dylan.

"No, you either study or come to the game," Will said. "You don't get to go off and shag instead."

"You're no fun," Al grumbled.

"And besides, Quidditch is fun," I said forcefully.

OOooOOooOOooOO

They all did end up coming to the game. Rose, Al, and Dylan all had red face paint on. Em and Sam had blue.

Ravenclaw's Seeker even managed to outstrip Lily to the Snitch, and we still won by thirty points.

"If we were only in the same house," Will said, grudgingly shaking my hand after the game as we landed covered in mud.

"If we were in the same house, I'd never get to do anything because the other team would never actually get the Quaffle," I pointed out.

"True," he agreed.

"Don't talk to him, he's a fuck," Hugo Weasley said grumpily from nearby.

"What makes you say that, Hugo?" Will asked.

"Sore loser?" I asked.

Hugo grabbed the Quaffle and hucked it at me. I caught it before it hit me in the face.

"He's just bitter," Lily said brightly, ruffling his hair and kissing his cheek.

"Fuck off," Hugo replied.

"See, Hugh, if you hadn't been weird and you'd been sorted into Gryffindor, everything would've been peachy for you," Roxie Weasley, one of the Beaters, said, smirking at him.

"You cheat, don't you?" Hugo asked me.

"How would I possibly be able to cheat?" I asked.

"I don't know, but you do," he accused. I nodded slowly and walked away before it could escalate.

After I changed out of my muddy Quidditch robes, I made my way to headquarters. Em and Will were already there. As I stood unnoticed in the doorway, he tucked her hair behind her ear and she blushed. I cleared my throat. They sprung apart.

"Right then," I said. I plucked Tribble out of his cage and petted him.

"So, what are we doing with those, exactly?" Em asked. Sometime around Valentine's Day, the pygmy puffs had multiplied again and now there were over a hundred of them.

I shrugged.

"That was a really entertaining game," Rose enthused from the doorway, most of the Gryffindor face paint gone. There was a patch underneath her lip. Without thinking about it, I wiped it off for her. I immediately realised what I'd done and sat silently back in my corner.

She stared at me uncertainly for a moment and then shrugged it off.

"You had paint," I explained in my general highly eloquent way.

"Right," she replied like she didn't quite believe me.

"Oh, and we have to get your brother," Will added.

Rose, Em, and I stared at him in confusion.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because he was being a dick to you," Will said. "And regardless of his house, that's sort of the point of this whole thing. Rose, what does he prize more than anything?"

Rose thought about it for a second. "Probably his hair."

Will grinned mischievously. "Nobody else need worry," he said. "I'll sort it out."

"I'm not sure if I should be grateful or concerned," I replied.

"Both," Will suggested. I just nodded.

OOooOOooOOooOO

"Okay, everyone be very, very quiet," Em whispered. Then she gave the password to a blank stretch of wall and suddenly we were in the empty Slytherin common room.

"Em, your roommate is gone," I whispered, glancing at the Marauder's Map.

"Okay, everyone, on the count of three run for it," she said, pointing us in the right direction. "One, two, three."

We sprinted down the dark and slightly slimy corridor off the common room and dove headfirst into Em's room. Em closed the door once we were all in.

"Flint's still in his room, isn't he?" Rose whispered to me, trying to read the map over my shoulder.

"Yeah," I said, pointing him out. She grimaced.

"I guess you're up, Em," Dylan said, patting her consolingly on the shoulder.

"Up for what?" Will asked, looking concerned.

Em sighed and grabbed her Potions book. "Travis Flint is well known in Slytherin for being the best in his year in Potions."

"I'm best in our year at Potions," I replied, frowning at her.

"In Slytherin," Em added.

"And you're best in your year," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but I can't very well go ask him for Charms help, can I?" she reminded me.

"Why would you ask anyone besides me for Charms help?" Sam asked, looking genuinely confused.

"Don't worry about it, Sam," Will suggested.

"Here I go," Em said, ducking out of her room. We watched her on the Marauder's Map. She paused outside Flint's door and then Flint opened it. There was another pause and then they walked down the corridor to the common room and finally off to a Potions dungeon.

"We're clear," I said.

The six of us ran out of Em's room. She'd managed to prop Flint's door open with a folded piece of parchment. We ducked inside as quickly as possible.

"Okay, Sam, you've got that rigged, right?" Dylan asked, tossing Sam the yellow Portable Swamp.

"Yep," Sam replied. "It won't activate until he gets into bed."

He put it underneath Flint's pillow as discretely as possible and pulled the ripcord.

"And who's got the..." Dylan trailed off as Rose handed him a small jar that had a miniaturized version of the Giant Squid in it.

"Of course, it's size will just be an illusion, but it'll actually be there," she said.

"Great," Dylan said. "Scor have you-"

"The door's jinxed so it'll only let him in," I replied quickly. "So I think our work here is done."

"Let's go then," Al suggested.

I pulled out the map. "We've got about thirty seconds until a bunch of Slytherins come into the common room. We need to go now."

As quickly as we could, we sprinted out of Flint's room and into the hallway outside the Slytherin common room. As we walked casually towards dinner, we passed about ten Slytherins.

"That was close," Al whispered. I nodded in agreement and opened the door to the Great Hall. "We'll see you guys in class tomorrow."

Sam and Will nodded and went to sit at the Ravenclaw table. Dylan kissed Al goodbye and sat at the Hufflepuff table. Al, Rose, and I made our way to our own table.

"This should be fun," Rose said, nodding covertly at Flint, who had just walked into the hall with Em. Then her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. "Oh, my god."

"What?" Al and I asked in unison, following her gaze.

She was staring resolutely at her brother, who happened to be sitting demurely at the Ravenclaw table while his fluorescent pink hair shone in the candlelight.

"Well done Will," Al said. "So, Scor, how do you like having friends?"

I smiled. "It's not that bad."

OOooOOooOOooOO

I was halfway through my coffee the next morning when Em walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to me. I raised my eyebrow at her.

"His screaming kept the entire house awake all night," she said peacefully. "Really satisfying given how many times he tried to touch me yesterday."

"Great to hear," I replied.

She'd barely left when someone rapped me on the shoulder with a bit of rolled up parchment. I looked up to discover I was staring at Professor McGonagall.

"Mr Malfoy, as soon as you've finished your breakfast, I expect to see you in my office," she said sternly.

Well, I'm screwed then.

"Of course, Professor," I said as calmly as I could manage. She nodded once and walked away.

I finished the rest of my coffee in a panic before I picked up my bag and made my way to the Head's office. When I walked in, Travis Flint was already sitting in one of the chairs across from McGonagall. He looked haggard and like he hadn't slept in days. I sat down awkwardly in the chair next to him.

"What's this about, Professor?" I asked in the most innocent voice I could manage.

"Well, Mr Malfoy-" McGonagall started. Flint cut her off.

"You put a bleeding swamp in my bed and a fucking squid to boot! A giant one, at that!" Flint exclaimed.

McGonagall gave him a stern look while I tried to look confused.

"Now, Mr Flint, why would Mr Malfoy have any desire to do that to you?" McGonagall asked.

"Because I did it to him in first year, except it was the lake," Flint grumbled, giving me a death glare.

"I'm sorry, you did what?" McGonagall asked.

"He pushed me into the lake when we were crossing it for the Sorting," I explained. "The Giant Squid tried to eat me."

I rolled up my sleeves and showed the currently highly convenient sucker mark scars.

"Mr Flint, is this true?" McGonagall asked.

"Yeah, but he's a fuck," Flint replied.

"Mr Flint, you will cease to refer to Mr Malfoy in that manner," McGonagall commanded, sounding quite cross. "Also, you will be serving detention with Professor Longbottom for the foreseeable future. And is _this_ the 'Giant Squid?'" She produced the jar with the miniaturized squid and set it on the table. Flint looked hopelessly uncomfortable. I tried to merely look lost.

"You may go, Mr Flint," McGonagall said. "Mr Malfoy, you stay."

Flint gave me another death glare and ran out of the room.

"Yes, Professor?" I asked.

"When you were sorted into my house – I mean Gryffindor – I had the greatest hope you would be nothing like the rest of you family," she said. I waited. "Despite the common descriptor people seem to give you, whether it's Hugo Weasley or Travis Flint, you appear to be made of better stuff than the rest of the Malfoy clan. Please remember that."

I nodded and waited for a dismissal.

"You may go," she said. I stood up and grabbed my bag, heading for the door. "Wonderful job on Saturday on the Quidditch pitch."

"Thanks, Professor," I said, opening the door.

"Oh, and Mr Malfoy, you wouldn't know anything about why people keep reporting sightings of pygmy puffs, would you?" she asked, sounding genuinely curious.

"Not a thing," I replied, closing the door as quickly as I could without looking suspicious.

That was really close.

**Review!**


	7. Whomp

**A/N: Well, I've updated. It would've been sooner, but I'm in the process of moving out of my parents' house and it's sort of bizarrely stressful/time-consuming/complicated. Anyways, I hope you guys are still reading. And if you are, then if you wouldn't mind reviewing...They've made it really easy for you these days! **

****Chapter Seven - Whomp

"Well, that was nice of her, I suppose," Em said somewhat distractedly. We were all sitting around a table in the library, actually studying for once. Those of us in fifth year had tests before the Easter Holidays. Even though it was early March, the professors had strongly encouraged us to study.

"Yeah," Rose agreed. "You aren't anything like your family, so it's nice that McGonagall recognises that, even if the rest of the student body doesn't."

"And even if it took us all five years to figure that out," Dylan added, giving Al a glare.

"What?" Al demanded.

"Dormitory," Dylan said. "For five years. And only post some very Malfoy-esque blackmail."

"What are they talking about?" Rose asked.

"Dylan hasn't forgiven me yet for sharing a dormitory with Scor for five years and not being friends with him until now," Al summarised.

"Oh," Rose replied. "Well, that's always pleasant."

"I think if I try to understand another potion my brain will melt," Sam said. "Actually, I could probably make a charm that does that if I tried hard enough."

"Don't," Will and Em recommended.

"We should probably go feed the Tribbles," Dylan said, closing his book in defeat.

"Pygmy puffs," the rest of us chorused.

"What_ever_," Dylan replied, pulling off his glasses and wiping them on his shirt. "Let's go."

It was a quick walk from the library to headquarters. The pygmy puffs had recently multiplied again so we were up to a few hundred now.

"Does it concern anyone else that they only eat chocolate buttons?" Rose asked, petting one of them through the cage.

"It probably should, right?" I replied, picking up Tribble and petting him.

"And do we actually have a plan for them?" Rose added.

"Oh yes," Dylan said, smiling evilly.

"Do we want to know?" Em asked.

"Not yet," Al replied, sharing a mischievous look with Dylan and then kissing him.

"So who's our next target?" Will asked, crossing to the blackboard and crossing Travis Flint off the list.

"Garth McNair," Em suggested. "What was his crime?"

"He locked me in the dungeons for three days," I said. I have no problem talking about these things casually, yet every time I mention one of them, the rest give me this really strange and somewhat concerned look. It's not a look I'm used to.

"Scor, can I see that map?" Rose asked, pulling the Marauder's Map out of my school bag without waiting for an answer. She tapped it with her wand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The spider web of the school corridors spread out across the paper.

"What are you thinking, Rose?" Al asked.

Rose pointed at a secret passage way in the grounds. "I say we leave him there and see how long it takes him to get out."

"Sounds like a plan," Dylan agreed. "Okay, we need to set up a detail to follow him on the map so we can get his routine down."

"We do?" I asked.

"It'll be our first kidnapping," Dylan replied. Then he smiled.

I worry about him.

OOooOOooOOooOO

After three days, we were relatively certain that Garth McNair would go to the library immediately after dinner and at eight o'clock would make his way to the Slytherin common room. At least this week, he seemed to be in the habit of stopping in at his girlfriend's room for a while after his return.

"She's going to notice when he doesn't show up," Em pointed out.

"Well, that's just too bad then," Dylan replied. "Now, sh."

The three of us were lying in wait behind various tapestries in the corridor from the library to the Slytherin common room. I glanced down at the map.

"He's coming," I whispered. "He's alone."

I waited until the footsteps were directly in front of my tapestry and whispered, "_Stupefy_."

There was a thud.

The three of us ducked out from behind our tapestries to discover Garth McNair lying on the stone floor, completely unconscious.

"Well done that," Dylan complemented, prodding McNair with his toe. "We should probably petrify him too, just in case he wakes up."

I nodded in agreement and petrified him.

"Alright, let's go," Em said, grabbing one of his legs. Dylan grabbed the other and I grabbed him under the arms. We hoisted him down the corridor until we got to an abandoned broom cupboard. Dylan dropped his leg and opened the cupboard. We deposited him inside and closed the door.

"Well, that's that for now," Dylan said cheerfully. "Come on then."

The three of us headed back to our respective dormitories. I'd barely stepped inside the Gryffindor common room when one of the seventh years gave me shifty looks and then walked over. He crossed his beefy arms at me and glowered.

"Where have you been, Malfoy?" he asked. "Because there's rumours going around that you're responsible for whatever's happening to the Slytherins. Maybe you missed this fact, growing up with Slytherin parents, but that's not the Gryffindor way."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said as calmly as I could manage. I don't like it when people try to intimidate me.

"Sure you don't," the seventh year said. "Where were you just now?"

To my relief and soon-to-be confusion, the portrait hole swung open and Rose walked in. "He was with me," she said, smiling sweetly at the seventh year.

The seventh year looked her over. "With you?"

"With me," Rose repeated, grabbing my hand. I managed to keep my face from betraying my lack of knowledge with the current proceedings.

The seventh year looked us both over again, then rolled his eyes. "Wow, Rose, your taste has certainly depreciated."

He stalked off somewhere and Rose pulled me towards the stairs. She dragged me up three flights and into the boys' dormitory. Fortunately, Al was the only one around. She let go of my hand and fluffed her hair indignantly.

"Ex-boyfriends are the worst," she muttered, smoothing her skirt. "Don't you agree?"

Al and I exchanged looks and then stared at her pointedly.

"Oh, sorry," she said. "I forgot. Scor's straight and Al, you're more of a one man show."

"You forgot that Scor's straight?" Al asked sceptically, raising his eyebrow at Rose.

"Sorry," she said.

That doesn't hurt my pride at all. No. Not even a little bit.

That's just…peachy.

"That arse wipe was your ex-boyfriend?" I asked, managing to not let my wounded pride ooze into my voice.

"One of many," Rose replied, smiling like she knew how weird I would find her statement.

"Speaking of boyfriends…" Al started.

"You don't get to," Rose informed him, turning her dangerous smile on him. "We're waiting until midnight and then we're going to collect McNabb-"

"McNair," Al and I corrected.

"Right, McNair," Rose replied. "And as such, you don't get to go try to break into the Hufflepuff common room."

"Is that even possible?" I asked. "Does anyone even know where it is?"

"I know where it is," Al said. "But only because Dylan showed me."

"Right," I replied. "Well, like Rose said, you don't get to."

Al pouted and flopped onto his bed. Rose gave him a disapproving look. He sneered back.

OOooOOooOOooOO

At midnight precisely, the three of us snuck out of the Gryffindor common room and made our way back to the corridor in which we'd stashed McNair. We were to meet Em, Dylan, Will, and Sam by the front doors.

I unlocked the broom cupboard and McNair tumbled out, still petrified, but quite clearly not unconscious.

"Should've had Sam do the stunner," Al commented, shaking his head.

"Names, Al," Rose scolded, flicking him in the arm. He squeaked in a very un-manly way and rubbed his arm. I rolled my eyes.

"What does it matter if we say our names?" Al asked. "It's not like anyone will believe him."

"Fair enough," Rose replied. She pointed her wand at McNair. "_Stupefy_."

Once we were sure he was unconscious again, they each grabbed a leg and I grabbed him under the arms again. We propped the Marauder's Map on his stomach so we could see if anyone was coming.

Fortunately, we made it to the Entrance Hall entirely unbothered, where we were met by the rest of our crew.

"Get here alright, then?" Sam asked, peering around at the three of us like he expected one of us to suddenly collapse with fits of palsy.

"Yeah, fine, thanks," Rose replied while Al dropped his leg and snogged Dylan instead. Sam and Will took over on the leg front and Em opened the doors. I kicked Al in the foot as we walked by and they sprang apart.

We ran as quickly as we dared across the sloping lawn to the gigantic and very angry tree. As we arrived at its safety perimeter, it flicked a bat out of the air with one of its branches. The bat squealed at its evident demise and plummeted to the earth.

The seven of us stared at the tree in a combination of disgust and horror.

"So, uh, how do we get in there?" Em asked, taking a step closer to Will. He instinctively put his arm around her.

"We have to poke a knot on the trunk," Al explained.

I nodded slowly. "Al, why do you, of all people, know that?"

"I asked my dad over Christmas," he said defensively.

"And he actually told you?" Rose replied.

"He'd had a few at the time," Al admitted.

Rose nodded. "That makes more sense then. Okay, so which knot do we have to press?"

"I've got it," Sam said, levitating a branch and poking most of the tree trunk with it. Finally, it hit one of the knots and the whole tree froze.

"That's awesome," Will complimented.

"Thanks," Sam replied, grabbing McNair's leg again. I grabbed his arms and Will grabbed his other leg. The three of us manoeuvred him into the crawl space under the tree. We dropped him at what the map showed to be halfway between the school and the end.

"I've got a great idea," Em said excitedly, crawling up behind us. She whispered something in Will's ear. In the wand light, I could see him smile creepily. He pulled out his wand and whispered something in McNair's direction. Instantly, all of his clothes save for his pants disappeared.

"Just for humiliation's sake," Em explained.

"Right," I agreed. "Sam, when you cast the stunning charm, how long will it take for it to wear off?"

Sam shrugged. "Maybe eight hours?"

The three of us blinked at him.

"What?" he asked.

"That's not normal," Will supplied.

"Oh," Sam said. "Right. Well, anyways…"

He stupefied McNair before he removed the paralytic.

The four of us crawled out of the tunnel and made our way back to the Whomping Willow. Rose was standing outside it with her arms crossed, looking irritated at Al and Dylan, who were making out instead of keeping watch.

"Did you get him?" Rose asked.

"Sam says we've got about eight hours," Will replied.

Rose smiled. "Great. Well, I need my beauty rest, so I'd like to go back to the dorms now."

"You don't need it," Sam said without missing a beat.

"Thanks, Sammy," Rose replied. "But without it, I'm not pretty. Come on, Scor. Al."

"Yeah," Al said, glaring at her as she pulled him away from Dylan.

The seven of us made our way back to the entrance hall together before Em headed for the dungeons and Dylan carried on past the Great Hall. As he walked down a corridor, he made a "call me" hand gesture at Al, then winked.

We dropped Sam and Will off at the fifth floor and continued to the Gryffindor common room.

"Night boys," Rose said, smiling at us. She walked up the stairs on the right and disappeared into her dormitory.

"Does it bother you that she forgets you're straight?" Al asked once she was gone.

I gave him a pointed look.

"Right, never mind," he said. "Stupid question."

I nodded in agreement and led the way to the dormitory.

OOooOOooOOooOO

We were peacefully eating breakfast at the Gryffindor table when a Slytherin sixth year came sprinting into the Great Hall.

"Professor Nott, I found McNair!" he exclaimed, gesturing wildly behind him.

"Where?" Professor Nott asked.

"He's at the front gates," the sixth year explained. "And he's lost all his clothes."

At this addition, the majority of the Great Hall took to its feet and ran outside to see for themselves. Most of the professors went as well. So as to seem normal, Rose and Al went as well. I stayed exactly where I was.

"Malfoy."

I looked up from my coffee to see Professor Longbottom staring at me with his arms crossed.

"Yes, sir?" I asked.

From what I'd heard about the Second Wizarding War, my dad was a right dick to Professor Longbottom for the entire time they were in school together. However, during the Battle of Hogwarts, Professor Longbottom saved my mum's life. That, combined with the fact I ended up in his house, has led me to the conclusion that he's conflicted about me.

"You're not going to go see what happened to McNair?" he asked.

"No, sir," I replied.

He raised his eyebrow at me. "Why not? Didn't he lock you in the dungeons for three days in your second year?"

"Yes, sir, he did, but since I've come into the nasty habit of being blamed for everything bad that's happened to Slytherin house recently, I thought it might give them less ammunition if I just stayed here," I explained.

"Sounds reasonable," Professor Longbottom explained. "But just so you know, you're about to be late for Herbology."

"Dreadfully sorry, sir," I replied, finishing off my coffee and sprinting for the greenhouses. I was shortly joined by Rose, Al, Will, and Sam, since Gryffindor and Ravenclaw have Herbology together.

Professor Longbottom walked in a moment later and cast an amused look in my direction.

"He blathered on for about twenty minutes about how he got stuck in the Shrieking Shack," Rose said. "And then said something about gnomes stealing his clothes. Of course, McGonagall's not letting him off that easily, since he was off school property."

"That sounds highly unfortunate," I replied calmly, very aware of the fact Professor Longbottom was watching us while the rest of the class filed in.

"And since he can't explain how he got there, he's serving detention for a month," Al added.

"That has to hurt," I replied.

"And it's even worse since he was completely starkers in front of the entire school," Will said.

"Completely?" I repeated. When we'd left him in the tunnel, we'd at least left him his pants.

"Completely," Will agreed.

"That's really unpleasant," I said.

The dungeon he locked me in in second year was full of vermin of various sorts and had no lights or windows. When he'd grabbed me, in order to be sure I couldn't escape, he'd left my wand with the rest of my school things.

"Especially since he's not exactly fit," Rose added pensively.

"Rose, be nice to the poor boy," Professor Longbottom said in passing.

"Sorry Uncle Neville," she replied, smiling sweetly at him. He gave her a bad look and went to grab a flat of plants.

"So I think it counts as a definite success," Will said quietly.

"Without question," Al agreed.

Professor Longbottom gave them a questioning look as he walked by. We need to be much more careful.

**Review!**


	8. Nice Horsey

**A/N: Yes! I've updated! It does still happen. God only knows how, what with the characters from my real novel pulling mutiny on my brain, and moving all of my belongings into a new house and figuring out just what I'm going to study in college...but anyways, I've done the whole updating thing. Please review it! **

****Chapter Eight - Nice Horsey...

I paced around headquarters, occasionally stopping to brush the piles of dust off the abandoned desks in the back. You'd think that the professors would've at least put an imperturbable charm on the abandoned furniture, but of course not. That would've been too easy.

"Mate, sit down," Dylan called idly from the blackboard.

I glared at him and kept pacing.

"I told you we shouldn't have said names," Rose grumbled, glaring at Al.

"How many people at this school are named 'Sam'?" Al asked. "A lot."

"How many people named Sam hang out with someone called 'Al,'" Rose replied. "One."

"What's your point?" Al asked.

"Her point is, I've already been called into the head's office for Flint, and Montague blamed his sudden love for McGonagall on me, and now McNair's swearing up and down that he was left in the tunnel by Al and Sam, who are known associates of mine," I exclaimed. "And if Will hadn't transfigured Hugo's hair right in front of his eyes, I'd probably be in trouble for that too."

I paced by Em at that point, and she dragged me into a chair.

"Mate, you're not actually in trouble yet," Dylan pointed out. "But I suppose you do have a point. We need to be much more careful when we get back from Easter."

"Oh, and don't be a fuck," Al recommended, chucking a piece of chalk at me. "The proper term is 'friend' not 'associate.'"

"Sorry," I grumbled, tossing the piece of chalk back at him.

"Alright," Al said. "So who's our target after Easter?"

Dylan consulted the blackboard. "Maleficent Goyle."

I've known Maleficent Goyle since we were children. Mainly because my dad and hers were friends or something back at Hogwarts. However, since I've always been of a more bookish sort than her, I can't say we ever particularly got along. In fact, we decidedly didn't get along. She spent childhood doing things like slipping horned slugs and flobberworm mucus into my drinks. She culminated this in third year when she tried to have me killed by the Centaurs. Fortunately, the leader of the Centaurs seemed to like me at the time.

"Anyone ever seen someone die?" Sam asked pensively.

There was a pause while the rest of us stared at him.

"What?" he asked when he realised we were staring.

"Erm, mate, that's not generally an awesome question," Will pointed out.

Sam had the wherewithal to look embarrassed. "Right, sorry," he said. "I was just thinking that maybe if we could…"

He broke off with a devious look. Since Sam usually just stares off into space fantasising about charms he could create, the deviousness was a little bit unexpected.

"What was her crime again?" Dylan asked.

"Kidnapped by Centaurs," I summarised. "Because she told them I hated all half-breeds."

"These people have issues," Em said.

"I know," I replied.

"That's why we Thestrals!" Sam exclaimed.

"Sammy, that's not a proper sentence," Rose informed him kindly.

"We could send her for a ride on a Thestral," Sam rephrased. "They're the things that pull the carriages."

"Something pulls the carriages?" Al asked.

Dylan stared at him for a moment. "It amazes me that you actually manage to make it through a day without accidentally forgetting to breathe."

"Well, fortunately for me, you're shallow," Al replied.

"I am not," Dylan said, looking slightly flustered.

"Well, you're certainly not dating me for my brains," Al reminded him. "And I am damn fine, so it stands to reason."

"Should we let them carry on or should we intervene?" Rose whispered to me, her hair tickling my cheek. She smelled like strawberries.

"Right, anyways," I interjected loudly. "The reason Sam was asking if anyone had seen someone die is because that's the only way you can see Thestrals."

"Oh," Al said, as though suddenly enlightened.

"So we just need to find someone who's seen death," Dylan said simply.

"You make that sound so reasonable," I replied. He shrugged.

It's not like we can exactly take out a personal in the Prophet asking for someone who can see Thestrals. Maybe it'd be better suited for the Quibbler.

OOooOOooOOooOO

"So, how's this term been?" my mum asked as we sat down to dinner. Dad was at one end of the table reading some business papers or something. He's not mean, and he's not horrible, he's just…distant. And distracted most of the time. I'm pretty sure their marriage was arranged. I don't know quite how they pulled that one off though, since Mum's sister, Daphne, married my uncle Blaise without any sort of coercion from their parents. As far as I can tell, Em's parents like each other a whole lot more than mine do.

"Term's been great," I said earnestly. "The entirety of Slytherin house thinks I'm responsible for every bad thing that's happened to them since November. Gryffindor's winning the Quidditch Cup, probably mostly because of me, at the very least where the Ravenclaw game was concerned. I've actually got friends these days, and I've taken to pygmy puff husbandry."

Dad actually put down his business papers and paused with his fork halfway between his plate and his mouth in order to stare at me in disbelief. I'm never exactly loquacious. Actually, that's probably the longest paragraph I've ever uttered in my parents' presence.

"Friends?" Mum asked, looking excited. That would be what she took out of my speech.

My mum is probably considered beautiful. She's got long brown hair and Slytherin green eyes, and manages to still look thirty. It's probably why Dad didn't protest the arranged marriage.

"Good job on the Quidditch," Dad said, continuing to stare at me in shock.

"Oh, Draco, who cares about Quidditch?" Mum scolded. "What are your friends' names?"

"Erm…well, there's Em," I said. "And these two Ravenclaws, Will Corner and Sam Baker. There's also a Hufflepuff named Dylan Abramson, oh, and Rose Weasley and Al Potter."

Dad had apparently seen fit to eat the food on his fork, because he choked on it when I said Rose and Al's names.

"Well, that's nice," Mum said. "And are you actually responsible for the things happening to the Slytherins?"

"Of course, Mum," I said as sarcastically as I possibly could.

"What about the pygmy puffs?" Dad asked once he'd recovered from his choking fit.

"We've got about three hundred at this point," I replied.

Dad blinked, then closed his eyes as if he was trying to block it out.

OOooOOooOOooOO

I was walking to the toilet at about midnight and happened to pass my dad's study.

"I think it's his way of trying to punish me for being distant," Dad was saying.

"Which part?" Mum replied. "The sarcasm, the pygmy puffs, or being friends with the Potters and Weasleys?"

"All of it," Dad replied. "Maybe if I'd paid more attention to him when he was a child-"

"What?" Mum asked. "You think you might have prevented his being sorted into Gryffindor?"

"Something like that," Dad said.

I rolled my eyes and kept walking. Leave it to my family to think they can change me.

OOooOOooOOooOO

I got off the train at Hogsmead Station and was instantly surrounded by Al, James, and Lily Potter.

"How was your Easter?" Al asked casually. I glanced at the three of them suspiciously.

"My parents are sort of annoying," I replied cautiously. "Yours?"

"Parents are always bloody irritating," Al said, looking highly suspicious about something.

"What did you do?" I asked as the four of us made our way to the carriages.

"Well, he was being a right idiot, like normal," James started to explain.

"And he managed to inform us that you lot are in need of someone who can see Thestrals," Lily finished, climbing into the carriage.

I glanced between James and Lily curiously. "And have either of you seen someone die?"

"Merlin, no," Lily said. "That doesn't mean I don't know someone who can see Thestrals."

Al looked just as confused as I was. "Who do you know that can see Thestrals?" Al asked.

Lily rolled her eyes at Al and directed her attention to me instead. "My boyfriend was there when his great-grandfather died," she explained. "He can see Thestrals."

"Who's your boyfriend?" Al asked indignantly.

"Lorcan Scamander," she replied.

I nodded slowly. That did almost make sense.

Lily has been known far and wide throughout Hogwarts as a slightly less mischievous version of her mother. By all adult accounts, she falls somewhere between her mother and her namesake. Lorcan Scamander, on the other hand, is rumoured to be batshit insane. He walks around talking about things like nargles and wrackspurts and all manner of other bizarre and fabricated creatures. Add that habit to his slightly over-pronounced features and protruded grey eyes and he seems quite mad.

"Is he willing to help us?" Al asked, staring at her in confusion.

"I'm sure he will," Lily said. "If he doesn't I'll cut him off."

Both her brothers' jaws dropped and they immediately started arguing with her, the main point of contention seeming to be the fact Lily is in third year.

"I'm kidding, you idiots," she insisted, glaring at both of them.

"Good," James replied, glowering into the middle distance.

I rolled my eyes at both him and Al and then thanked Lily.

OOooOOooOOooOO

"I'm still a little unclear as to what you want me to do," Lorcan said while I led him into the forest. He glanced around at the gigantic trees sort of distractedly.

"We want you to catch a Thestral for us," I explained for the three-hundred-and-twenty-ninth time.

"Right," he replied. "But why?"

"The why is really rather unimportant," I reminded him. "Just help me find one."

"Okay," he said cheerfully, bounding into the forest. I blinked after him, slightly worried for his sanity.

Somewhere in the castle, Em and Rose were attempting to gather Maleficent Goyle.

I followed Lorcan deeper into the forest, starting to worry that the centaurs were going to find us and actually kill me this time. Fortunately it didn't come to that, since Lorcan suddenly stopped and started petting empty air. Then I heard a nicker.

"This one's nice," he informed me, continuing to pet something I couldn't see.

Tentatively, I put my hand out and felt the slightly reptilian flesh of the Thestral. Even though I still couldn't see it.

"This is just weird…" I said.

"They're really quite friendly," Lorcan informed me, pulling the makeshift bridle we'd fashioned out of my bag.

"I believe you," I said. After all, who am I to argue with the great-grandson of the man who literally wrote the book on fantastical beasts?

"My mum used to come out here and pet them when she was in school here," he added. "Actually, in her fourth year, she flew to the Ministry of Magic on one, along with Professor Longbottom and Lily's parents and your friend Rose's parents."

I stared at him in utter confusion for a moment, and then he bridled the Thestral and started to lead it towards the edge of the forest. Given that the only assurance I had the Thestral was actually with us came from the breaking twigs under its hooves, I was a little bit unnerved.

"So…why can you see Thestrals again?" I asked him.

"My great-grandfather died when I was ten," he explained. "His name was Newt. Odd bloke."

I nodded slowly and had to think to myself that it must run in the family.

"Hey look!" he exclaimed suddenly, pointing at the edge of the forest. "Isn't that them?"

Up ahead, Rose and Em were leading Maleficent Goyle by the arms. She was blindfolded and seemed to be very confused.

"What did they do to her?" Lorcan asked.

"Well, if they followed the plan, they confunded her," I explained. "We wanted her to be awake."

"Aha," he said. "So, are you actually responsible for the giant squid in Travis Flint's bed and for Gordon Montague confessing his love for Professor McGonagall, and for Garth McNair showing up starkers for breakfast?"

"Erm…" I glanced sideways at Lorcan over what was probably the Thestral's shoulder. No one would ever believe him if I did tell him the truth. But that's not particularly a chance I want to take. "Tell you next summer."

"Alright," he said jovially.

"Is that a Thestral?" Em asked, looking slightly disturbed by the floating bridle.

"Yep," Lorcan said enthusiastically, petting it. Rose, Em, and I gave him worried looks. "So are you lot just sending her for a ride on it?"

"Pretty much," Rose agreed. "Come on Malfeasant."

"Maleficent," Em and I corrected.

"Right," Rose replied. "Maleficent. Come on."

She pulled Maleficent over to the Thestral and then tried to hoist her onto its back. When she'd failed miserably, I decided to offer my assistance. She looked like she might be somewhere between annoyed she couldn't do it herself and grateful that I was strong enough to help out.

"It's not my fault she's a complete cow," Rose explained unnecessarily while she conjured a strap to keep Maleficent from falling off.

I just nodded, since I haven't quite mastered the art of speaking to Rose.

"He doesn't like it," Lorcan said, patting the Thestral. "Having a person on him."

"It's probably because her perfume's so vile," Rose replied.

"It is?" I asked. I couldn't say I'd exactly spent time smelling her.

"Boys," Rose and Em said in unison, with a scarily synchronous eye-roll.

Lorcan and I exchanged unsure looks before Rose dragged us behind a tree. Em followed suit and then pointed her wand at Maleficent. She waved it and the blindfold fell off. Then Rose waved her wand. Apparently, that removed the confundus charm from Maleficent, because she started to panic. Before she could really work up a good, healthy fear, Lorcan flicked his wand and a spark hit the Thestral. Instantly, it took off and Maleficent went soaring into the sky.

"Shall we go watch the show?" Em suggested.

"I've got a great rock," I supplied, leading the way to my old perch by the side of the lake.

"This is a pleasant spot," Lorcan commented, patting the rock affectionately.

"I know," I said. "I used to come do my homework here because no one would usually bother me here."

"That's sort of depressing, Blondie," Rose replied, pulling a few textbooks out of her bag. She crossed one leg underneath herself and opened one of them to a random page. "See, this way, we can look like we're actually doing something if someone sees us."

"Great idea," Em agreed, grabbing one of the books. "Ew, Charms."

She put it back and grabbed the Potions book. I picked up the Charms book and stared into the sky as Maleficent came flying out of the forest. The invisible Thestral her across the towers and turrets of Hogwarts. As her screams reached the castle, people started poking their heads out of windows and appearing on rooftops to see what was going on.

"You know you put her on backwards, right?" Lorcan asked after a moment.

Without warning, Rose burst into laughter. I couldn't help but join in.

Unfortunately for our mirth, Professor Longbottom chose that moment to step out of one of the greenhouses. He stared into the sky for a moment, watching Maleficent's flight. Then he turned and saw the four of us, and heard Rose's laughter. He started to make his way towards us.

"Hey, Lorcan," I said, trying not to freak out. We weren't technically doing anything wrong at that moment in time.

"What?" he asked, watching Maleficent.

"When your mum and Professor Longbottom and them all flew Thestrals to the Ministry, did your mum say Professor Longbottom could see them?" I asked.

"Yeah," Lorcan replied, continuing to stare into the sky. "Apparently he saw his grandfather die."

"Well, we're screwed," I said, trying to muster a smile that wasn't of pure terror as Professor Longbottom reached us.

"Let's see…" Professor Longbottom said, wiping some mud off his hands and staring at the four of us. "We've got a third year Ravenclaw, a fourth year Slytherin, and two fifth year Gryffindors, all sitting around doing their homework out of NEWT level books while another member of the mysteriously afflicted Slytherin house flies backwards on a Thestral."

He crossed his arms imposingly and stared at us for an explanation.

"Trying to get a leg up before the OWLs, sir," Rose explained cheerfully. "And is that what she's flying on? I had to wonder."

Professor Longbottom's eyes narrowed. "Are you lying to me, Rose Weasley?"

"Never, Uncle Neville," she replied earnestly.

He gave us one last suspicious look and then returned to his greenhouse.

"Does it occur to anyone else that we may be-" I started.

"The word you're looking for is 'fucked,' Blondie," Rose interjected.

"Yeah that," I agreed.

Em nodded in agreement. "Now we just have to tiptoe."

"On a tightrope over a boiling vat of acid," Lorcan supplied helpfully.

Rose looked mildly disturbed. I nodded at him. "Thanks for that."

"Sure," he replied cheerfully, turning back to his book.

The worst part is, he might be right.

**Review!**


	9. Swinging from Chandeliers

**A/N: Because I love you all, you get two chapters today. Personally, I think this one might be the funniest, but I'll leave that judgment up to you lot. Oh, and review. Because I love them. Also, I just looked at my clock and realised it is no longer "today" according to the calendar. Well, it's always today, but I thought it was still the 21st and it isn't. I really shouldn't drink coffee at one in the afternoon...**

Chapter Nine - Swinging from Chandeliers**  
**

"Professor Longbottom's onto us," Em said, looking like she might freak out. For once, the idea of getting in trouble didn't really bother me.

After Maleficent had landed, she naturally went the same route as the rest of them and blamed it on me in front of Professor Nott. The odd thing was, at this point I was almost itching to take credit for it. Just to stand up and say, "Yes, it _was _me, because you lot all thought you could beat me up for as long as you wanted without me ever doing anything about it. And you know what? You were wrong."

Obviously, I didn't, but it was awfully tempting.

"Regardless of Professor Longbottom, we have to finish the list," I said, crossing Maleficent's name off the blackboard.

Conrad Ackerly was the next victim of retribution. After that, there was just the Quidditch team, the table in the Great Hall, the common room, and Professor Nott himself.

"So what did Ackerly do?" Al asked, deciding to ignore the panicking Em and Sam.

"He suspended me from the Astronomy Tower," I said.

All six of them stared at me in equal parts horror and shock.

"That could've killed you," Rose said, sounding like she actually cared. I tried not to be too surprised.

"Everything that all of them did to me could've killed me," I said calmly.

"Why hasn't anyone done anything about it before now?" Al asked.

I shrugged. "Because no one ever cared enough?" I suggested.

They all looked slightly guilty.

"But couldn't you have told your parents?" Dylan asked.

"Told them what?" Em enquired, sounding slightly dark about it. "'Oh, sorry, Dad and Mum, the children of all of your friends from Hogwarts don't like me so they keep trying to kill me.' They'd never have believed him."

"Anyways, that's why we're doing this," I said, trying to keep the subject away from my parents. "So. Conrad Ackerly."

"I say we hang him by his thumbs off the Astronomy Tower," Will suggested.

"That would be stooping to his level," I replied cheerfully. "And if our days are numbered by Professor Longbottom and whoever else, at the very least, I don't want to have stooped to their level."

"Fair enough," Dylan agreed. He fell silent for a moment, and then a devious smile ebbed across his face. "How much would you say the chandelier in the main stairwell weighs?"

"Thirteen stone?" Will suggested.

"Why?" Al asked.

"How much would any of you say Ackerly weighs?" Dylan asked.

"I dunno, probably thirteen stone," Em replied. "Why?"

Dylan smiled again. "So, once every term, the caretaker has to lower it to dust it. It just so happens that he's doing it tomorrow."

"So?" I asked.

"How fast can you run?" he asked me.

"Like…on foot?" I replied, feeling much less intelligent than I am.

"No, hand-walking, Scorpius," he said. "Honestly, you people…"

"I dunno," I said. "Fast enough?"

"Alright," Dylan replied. He grabbed the Marauder's Map. "So, the chain that lowers the chandelier is on the fifth floor." He pointed it out on the map. "And the caretaker has to clean it down on the ground level. Do any of you know what a snare is?"

We stared at him blankly until Sam pulled his nose out of his Charms notebook.

"Like a Muggle hunting snare?" he asked enthusiastically. "I know what those are!"

"Why?" Rose asked, looking more concerned for his sanity than she normally does.

"I'm Muggleborn," he explained.

"You can be that idiosyncratically talented at Charms and be Muggleborn?" I asked, trying not to look confused.

"You obviously have never met my mother," Rose replied.

"Regardless of who your mother is, I doubt she's quite _Sam_ when it comes to Charms," Will said.

"Hermione Granger," Rose and Al responded in unison.

This made all of us fall silent for a moment, save the scratching of Sam's quill, until Sam himself looked up. "Actually, I've read about her, and she's really good at everything and all, but she never really made any new charms quite the same way I do," he said. "But that's not the point. Dylan, why were you asking about snares?"

Dylan just grinned.

OOooOOooOOooOO

"Really?" I whispered harshly to Dylan as we lurked in the fifth floor corridor setting up the chain properly. "I can't even articulate a sentence properly in front of Rose, who is technically one of my friends."

"You don't have to be articulate," he said cheerfully, carefully undoing the chain from its anchoring mechanism. "Sam, charm this."

Sam pointed his wand at it and it stuck itself to the floor.

"Well, fortunately, if he tries to hex you for saying inarticulate things, we've had Em replace his wand with a false one from the WWW," Al added.

"Comforting," I replied.

"And, Sam, that's shortened, right?" Dylan asked, nodding at the chain.

"Yep," Sam agreed. "It's all set."

Al consulted the Marauder's Map. "And Rose is leading him upstairs, so Scor, you're up."

"Fuck you guys," I replied.

There was momentary silence while Dylan and Al stared at me in shock.

"Did you just…swear?" Dylan asked finally. Al still seemed to be too shell-shocked to do anything.

I thought over what I'd just said. "Oh, I did, didn't I? I don't normally do that. Really, ever, come to think of it. It's just never-"

"Go," Dylan commanded, turning me around and pointing me down the corridor.

I walked down it in bad humour and lay in wait at the top of one of the staircases. I can do this. I am fully competent at the task I've been assigned.

I heard Rose's laugh before I saw them.

I am so not competent enough at life to do this.

"Really?" Rose asked as they came into view. "That's so…interesting."

Ackerly looked completely blissful that a girl as pretty as Rose was talking to him. Her skirt was a little too short, like it normally is, and her tights were Gryffindor scarlet. In her customary high heels, she was almost as tall as him. He was clearly taking advantage of that fact, as he had his hand resting comfortably on the small of her back.

A little twinge of something that was probably jealousy coursed through me. I've never really been jealous before. I've never really had emotions before.

And now I get to pick my first fight.

"Hey," I said, trying to work up my meanest glare as they reached the top of the stairs.

Ackerly gave me a look that clearly suggested I could go do a whole lot of rude things to myself.

"Get your hand off her," I insisted. Rose gave me a look that I took to mean I should be more forceful. "You slimy, pusillanimous worm."

Ackerly took a moment to be confused before he decided it was probably an insult. "And why should I do that, Malfoy?"

As he asked, he slid his hand farther down Rose's back and grabbed her arse instead.

"Because she's not your girl to touch, git face," I replied. I figured I should tone down the level of vocabulary I was using if I actually wanted him to understand they were insults.

"Really," he said like he didn't believe me. "And I suppose next you'll try to tell me she's your girl to touch?"

"More mine than yours," I replied. "And you should really move your hand now."

Fire was starting to burn in Rose's eyes the longer he left his hand on her.

"Why should I do that?" he asked. "Are you going to cast a spell on me?"

"Yeah," I said, trying not to sound nervous as I pulled out my wand.

"Please, Malfoy," he replied cockily. "You and I both know you're too much of a goody-two-shoes to ever jinx someone for the fuck of it. I know Nott's insisting you're behind everything that's happened to the house recently, but honestly?"

He pulled out his wand and pointed it at me.

"You're much too much of a pushover to ever do anything like that," he finished. "Merlin only knows how you got sorted into _Gryffindor_."

With that he waved his wand at me like he meant to hex me. Instead of a hex coming my way, the wand turned into a rubber flounder.

Taking advantage of his momentary unsettlement, I wrested the flounder from his hand and slapped him across the face with it.

It made a resoundingly satisfying slapping noise.

"That's how," I said.

There was another pause while we blinked at each other and his face turned slightly red where I'd hit him.

Then I turned and ran.

I could hear him coming after me when he hollered angrily and sounded slightly like an ox. Then I heard Rose yelling at me to run faster. I sprinted as quickly as I could down the corridor and leapt over the loop of chain charmed to the floor. I made it about ten more steps before I heard Ackerly yell in shock, followed by the clanking sound of a lot of chain moving very quickly.

I stopped running and turned around, slightly out of breath and saw Ackerly go flying over the edge of the banister and out into the main stairwell. He plummeted towards the ground floor as the chandelier came soaring up with a puff of dust and creaking of ancient steel. Ackerly was swinging side to side across the stairwell by his ankle. Eventually, he and the chandelier levelled out with Ackerly near the fourth floor and the chandelier even with us.

"So I take it that it went well on your end?" Dylan asked me with a smile as Rose caught up with us.

I shrugged noncommittally.

"You slapped him with a flounder," Rose said in a tone of voice I couldn't quite place.

I shrugged again.

"He's really a – what did you call him?" Rose asked.

"Pusillanimous worm," I supplied.

"Yeah," she agreed.

"It would've been better if he knew what that meant," I added.

"I'm sorry, did she say you slapped him with a flounder?" Al asked.

"Good job Em replaced his wand," Rose explained. "Otherwise he would've hexed Scor."

"Where did the flounder come from?" Dylan asked.

"It's what his wand turned into," I replied.

"How does everyone feel about lunch?" Sam asked, dusting his hands off on his trousers and leading the way to the stairs. At the fourth floor, we passed Ackerly, who was hanging there looking more confused than anything. The angle of the stairs was just enough that he wasn't immediately over them and couldn't be readily swung onto them.

I was ready to just walk by, but Rose stopped and stared at him for a moment.

"Be careful who you call a pushover," she recommended. "Because you never know what his friends will do to you in retaliation."

The fact that Rose has a relatively sweet and velvety voice made the threat slightly more terrifying. Ackerly's face said he certainly agreed with my assessment.

The five of us continued walking down the stairs until Rose waved her wand backwards over her shoulder. I glanced behind us and quickly turned around.

"What'd she do?" Dylan asked.

"Vanished his trousers," I replied. "There are pygmy puffs on his pants."

"That's a beautiful thing," Dylan said. "Nothing should come between a boy and his love for pygmy puffs."

"Well, we certainly won't," Al agreed. "We'd never dream of it. Isn't it our intention to reacquaint Slytherin house with its love of the puffs?"

"Yes, I believe it is," I replied.

"Food!" Sam exclaimed, running down the marble staircase and into the Great Hall. We passed the caretaker on our way after him. He was staring up at Ackerly and the chandelier looking very confused. Before we could get to the hall, he passed us and headed for the head table.

The four of us sat down at the Gryffindor table and watched curiously as the caretaker walked back down the length of the hall accompanied by the Professors McGonagall, Nott, and Longbottom. Professor Longbottom cast the four of us a knowing look before he said in a carrying voice, "But we can't just cut him down. The chandelier will crash without its ballast."

A few people from around the hall looked confused and stood up to follow the professors.

The doors closed behind them.

I picked at a piece of toast and kept my eyes glued on the door. About two minutes later, the doors burst open again and a handful of Hufflepuffs came running in out of breath.

"Conrad Ackerly's hanging from the chandelier," one of them exclaimed. "In his underwear."

About two thirds of the school mobilised to go gawk. We stayed exactly where we were.

"Which do you suppose is worse?" Al asked. "Nearly dying in private, or public humiliation that will probably follow you for the rest of your life?"

"Nearly dying," I replied instantly.

"Although the humiliation would suck," Dylan added.

"Well, if you flash your knickers to enough people, it stops being humiliating," Rose said calmly, licking pudding off her spoon. "Blondie, your mouth is open."

I quickly closed it, and tried to look like I hadn't been staring vacantly at her. I wasn't quite sure it was working. Dylan looked like he might laugh. Al was slightly less amused.

"Okay, you know what we're going to do?" he asked. "You," he pointed at Rose, "are going to join a convent. And you," he pointed at me, "are going to pretend you never heard her say anything about her knickers."

"What's a convent?" I asked, playing innocent.

"It's some Muggle place where they lock up women together so no men can ever look at them," Al explained. Dylan rolled his eyes, which I took to mean Al had it wrong.

"Well, then I'd just have to play for the other team like you do," Rose said calmly. "I'll see you boys later. I have to go…erm…study."

She winked at us and walked out of the hall.

It took Dylan and me about ten seconds to start laughing at the look on Al's face.

**Review!**


	10. I Wanna Be a Producer

**A/N: Alright. Here's the next chapter. Technically, I'm supposed to be working right now, but I haven't got that far yet in my day, even though I've been awake since seven, when my gigantic Great Dane/Pointer/Bear jumped on me and started licking me. In the face. While using me as a mattress. Sketchy way to wake up, let me tell you all.**

Chapter Ten - I Wanna Be a Producer

I calmly fastened my Quidditch robes and hummed under my breath. It was the final game of the season, which, fatefully, happened to be Slytherin versus Gryffindor. That's mostly because they were the only team to come close to beating us this year since Jared Chase beat the shit out of me with his bat in the middle of the game, and therein their Chasers could actually score about a hundred points before Lily caught the snitch.

"Scor, what are you humming?" James asked, tying his shoes.

"Oh, nothing," I replied cheerfully.

"Well, if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to regret giving you that map," he said, casting a worried look in my direction.

"Oh, you won't regret it," I replied, feeling slightly whimsical. I returned to my humming.

"Wait a minute," Lily said slowly, dropping onto the bench next to me. "I know that song."

"Do you?" I asked casually. "How nice."

"What song is it?" James asked.

"It's from a Muggle musical…Roxie would know," Lily said. "Hey, Roxie!"

Roxie dropped her Beater's bat and wandered over. "What's up?"

"What's the name of the song that Scor's humming?" Lily asked.

Roxie gave her a suspicious look. "He won't just tell you?"

I shook my head and kept humming to myself.

"It's from _The Producers_," Roxie said, looking both amused and very confused. "It's called 'I Wanna Be a Producer.'"

"Right you are," I agreed, standing up and pulling on my gloves.

Roxie crossed her arms and stared at me suspiciously. "In that scene, the character sings about wanting to be a producer while a whole lot of girls wearing nothing but pearls are dancing."

I tried to look as innocent as possible. "Why are you giving me that look?"

"I mean, I'm all for fun in the bedroom, but if _that's_ the type of thing you and Rose are into, then-" Roxie started.

"Me and Rose?" I asked, now genuinely confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Aren't you guys, like, dating or something?" she asked, sounding as confused as I was.

"No," I replied, glancing edgily at the two Weasley men who were giving me very bad looks.

"Oh," Roxie said, looking disappointed. "You guys would be cute together."

"Right," I replied, casting another worried look at Fred and James. "She thinks I'm gay. Shall we go play Quidditch?"

Roxie and Lily regarded me suspiciously and then the seven of us made our way onto the Quidditch pitch. Our captain, one Liam Wood, shook hands with the Slytherin captain and we took to the air. I immediately started circling the goal posts. As I circled I kept humming.

Roxie flew closer to me and batted a Bludger away.

"You're being highly suspicious," she informed me.

"It's become my general practise," I replied cheerfully, grabbing the Quaffle out of the air before it could go through the hoop.

"And it's scary how you do that without looking," she added, flying off. I grinned and tossed the Quaffle to James.

By the time we were 200 points up, I glanced across the stands to see Rose, Al, Dylan, Will, Sam, and Em sitting together, all wearing some sort of Gryffindor paraphernalia. I waved at them once.

"What are you waving at, Malfoy?" one of the Slytherin Chasers asked me.

"My friends," I replied calmly, smiling in what was probably an unnerving way.

"Like you really expect me to believe you have friends," he replied.

Currently, the best thing about the Slytherin team is that there are no girls on it.

That just wouldn't be embarrassing enough.

He hurled the Quaffle at me. I caught it as a hush silence fell over the crowd.

"Oh come on," he insisted. "That wasn't even an impressive save!"

There was a pause in all action as, one by one, the Slytherin team realised what they happened to be wearing. All of them had on matching caps of shiny pearls. The caps had fringes on them that were dangling in their eyes. Those were just to start.

Their actual Quidditch robes had been transfigured into one piece pearl - I suppose "dress" was the most accurate term - dresses. They stopped like a bathing suit and then had another little fringe. Their shoes were sparkly silver high heels with buckles on them.

"Don't you look dashing?" I asked the Slytherin Chaser.

"You did this, didn't you, you little fuck face?" he demanded, looking like he might throttle me. The effect was spoiled by his false eyelashes.

I managed to keep myself from laughing in his face. "Now how could I have done that if you were talking to me at the time?"

This seemed to bring him to a loss, because his next move was to wrap his beefy hands around my throat. Fortunately, Lily managed to catch the Snitch at that moment. Unfortunately, he didn't see fit to let go of my throat.

I started spluttering and turning red in the face when suddenly he was blasted away from me. I rubbed my neck and followed the line of fire back to Professor Longbottom.

"Warren, Malfoy, my office, _now_," Professor McGonagall said over the speaker. The rest of the school was too exalted about the Slytherins' garb to pay us much attention.

I landed and stormed into the Quidditch changing rooms to grab my bag, and therein my wand, before I made my way up the stairs to McGonagall's office. When I got there, McGonagall was sitting behind her desk looking irate, Warren was sitting in one of the chairs looking absolutely appalling in his pearls, and the Professors Nott and Longbottom were standing on opposite sides of McGonagall's desk with their arms folded as they glared at each other.

I sat down in the spare chair and rubbed my neck pointedly.

"Professor, I'm sorry, but I don't understand why Malfoy has to be here," Professor Longbottom said. "Seeing as how it was Warren who attacked him, not the other way around."

"It's because he's your damned student, and he's the one behind the – the pearls, and Maleficent Goyle's ride on a Thestral, and Conrad Ackerly hanging from the chandelier, and Travis Flint's swamp, and Garth McNair showing up in Hogsmead, and Gordon Montague professing his undying love for Professor McGonagall-" Nott started to list.

"I'd like to see you _prove_ that, Nott," Professor Longbottom replied, glaring Nott down.

"And it was definitely him who did this," Warren insisted, pointing at the pearls.

"And how exactly and I supposed to have done it?" I demanded. "Considering I was holding a Quaffle at the time and my wand was in my bag in the changing rooms."

"I don't-" Warren started.

"Don't you think your team has done enough to try and kill him already?" Longbottom asked, glaring at Nott and Warren. "Like last game when Mr Chase beat the shit out of him with a Beater's bat?"

"Neville," McGonagall scolded.

Instantly, Professor Longbottom and Professor Nott backed down and looked like dogs that'd been whacked in the nose with a rolled up newspaper. I was forced to remember that she'd been their Transfiguration teacher. It must've been utterly terrifying to sit class with her. Especially for Professor Longbottom, who was reportedly terrible at Transfiguration.

"I cannot reasonably fault Mr Malfoy for this attack, either the physical one by Mr Warren, or the issue of the Slytherin team's robes," McGonagall said, glaring Warren down when he started to argue. "However, he has admittedly been in the wrong place at the wrong time for all of those events that you listed, Professor Nott. Therefore, Mr Malfoy, consider yourself warned. Mr Warren, ten points from Slytherin."

"For what?" Warren and Nott exploded.

"For attempting to strangle Mr Malfoy, which, regardless of his alleged actions, is still illegal," McGonagall replied sternly. "You are all dismissed."

I ran out as quickly as I could, followed by Professor Longbottom. I'd imagine the Slytherins were staying behind to argue more with McGonagall.

"Thanks, Professor," I said quietly.

"Yeah," Professor Longbottom replied, not looking at me.

"And, erm, thanks for not treating me like I'm my father," I added. "I know he was…"

"We can leave it at 'of questionable moral character' if you'd like," Longbottom replied.

"Sure," I agreed. "And I've heard that you saved my mum's life during the Battle of Hogwarts and I guess I just wanted to say thanks for that."

He nodded. "If I'd known she was going to go on to marry your father, I might not have," he replied drily.

A very awkward silence descended on the corridor.

"I'm kidding," he said finally.

"Right," I replied uncomfortably. "I suppose I'll see you in class on Monday."

He nodded once in my direction and I made a break for it. I took the back stairs, so as to best avoid people, and burst into headquarters. I was instantly tackled in a bear hug.

I looked down in confusion to see silky red hair.

"Hi, Rose," I said slowly.

"We were so worried," she explained. "I wanted to hex him, but they wouldn't let me."

"Well, there was no sense in having two of us in McGonagall's office," Will reasoned. "Having Scor there was bad enough."

"Nott's onto us," I explained, still staring down at Rose in confusion. "Rose, I am entirely disgusting, as I haven't had a chance to put on clean clothes or take a shower. Are you really sure you want to be hugging me right now?"

"No, not really," she decided, letting go of me, fluffing her hair, and sitting down on one of the desks.

"That's what I thought," I replied. "Okay, so what are we going to do about Nott?"

"I dunno," Al said. "Shouldn't we be more concerned about Professor Longbottom?"

"Honestly, I don't really think he's going to be too much of a problem," I replied. "Nott might be."

"Well, we'd have to make sure it was executed while we were all sitting our OWLs so that he couldn't logically blame us," Sam said, crossing the Slytherin Quidditch team off the list.

"I don't think he's following too much on logic," Em pointed out. "And I'm not sitting my OWLs this year."

"Yeah, but you're a Slytherin, he's not going to blame you for any of it," Dylan reminded her.

"There is that," she agreed. "So maybe I should be the one to pull this one off."

"Perhaps," I replied. "Besides being a royal fuckhead, what's his crime?"

There was a pause while the only sound that could be heard was the pygmy puffs.

"What?" I asked.

"You swore again," Dylan informed me.

"Oh," I replied. "Well, I didn't mean-"

"It's about damn time," Rose said. "Because you know, going sixteen years without swearing isn't healthy for anyone. Especially not when they've had your life."

"Right, whatever," I replied. "So what'd Nott do to get on this list?"

"He gave me detention," Rose said coldly.

"For what?" Em asked curiously.

Rose turned slightly pink and looked away. "It doesn't matter," she said. "But he deserves something horrid."

"I can arrange that," Em replied. "And I think for the sake of plausible deniability, none of you should know what I do to him."

"Fair enough," Dylan agreed. "Although Scor's the only one who's close to being in trouble."

I nodded.

"I'll take care of it," Em assured us, then she grinned darkly.

OOooOOooOOooOO

We were eating lunch following our Charms written test when Professor Nott came wandering into the Great Hall looking very much like he was on drugs.

He meandered over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Rose. She was instantly uncomfortable. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, and then changed his mind.

"Oh Merlin, that unicorn is purple!" he exclaimed suddenly before he ran off.

"What was all that about?" I asked.

"I have no idea," Rose replied. "Probably whatever Em did to him."

"Yeah, but why did he sit down next to you?" Al asked, giving her a questionable look. Rose shrugged.

OOooOOooOOooOO

That night we were all sitting back in headquarters when Em came in laughing.

"It was brilliant," she said. "He spent all of Arithmancy blathering about the talking dragon in the back of the classroom."

"Why was there a talking dragon in the back of your Arithmancy class?" Sam asked.

"There wasn't," Em replied.

"Then why was he talking about it?" Sam asked, looking very confused.

"Because he's on the magical equivalent of LSD," Em explained.

"What's LSD?" I asked.

Em gave me a bad look. "I can't believe we're related," she said, shaking her head at me.

"But what is it?" Dylan asked.

"Okay, he's Muggleborn and doesn't know, therefore I am entirely off the hook," I exclaimed.

"Yeah, yeah," Em said. "It's a drug that makes you hallucinate."

"And how long is he going to be hallucinating?" Rose asked.

"Oh, a couple weeks," Em replied cheerfully.

"Maybe we can get him fired for drug use," Rose suggested.

The rest of us exchanged looks.

"What, exactly, did he do to you?" I asked, starting to feel very concerned.

Rose smiled thinly and stood up. "Trust me, Blondie," she said. "You don't want to know. It would scar your innocent little mind."

Then she walked out of headquarters without another word.

"It's never good when she calls me that," I said.

"Noticed that, thanks," Al replied, staring at the door Rose had just exited.

"So should we worry?" Dylan asked.

"I think we should definitely worry," I replied, staring at the door as well.

"The question is, what should we worry about," Sam said.

The five of us stared at him in confusion for a moment.

"I'm going to bed," I said finally. I walked out of headquarters and made my way back to Gryffindor tower. Whatever horrible things the Slytherins have done to me, I'm starting to think they did something equally bad to Rose. And I don't like that.

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	11. P nk

**A/N: So, yes. I haven't disappeared. I'm sorry that I was absent momentarily. Also, that this chapter is so short. But that can't particularly be helped. It's primary week (in case any of you know anything about American politics) and since my dad's in office in my state, I sort of have to go to political events. But yes. The next chapter.**

Chapter Eleven - P!nk**  
**

"So if Nott's permanently on drugs or something and we've got the Quidditch team already, does that mean we've only got the common room and the Great Hall?" Will asked as the seven of us slumped in headquarters following our last OWL. Em, clearly, wasn't slumped since she didn't have to sit her OWLs this year, but the rest of us were mostly dead.

"Yeah," Dylan agreed.

"That's the best thing I've ever heard," Sam replied from where he was lying on the desks. "Does anyone else feel as though their brains have been eviscerated by a cheese grater?"

"That's pleasant," Rose said, picking up one of the pygmy puffs.

"And yeah, approximately," Al agreed.

"Come on, you guys," Em said in a much too chipper voice. "We've only got two targets left."

"Well, we have to wait for the end of year feast for the Great Hall one, which means we should probably get started on the common room," Dylan replied. He paused, then groaned softly as he oozed off the desk he'd been using as a bed. He dragged himself into a standing position and crossed the Quidditch team and Nott off the blackboard.

"Can we all agree to get started on the common room tomorrow?" Rose asked.

"Fine," Em replied, looking slightly sad about it. I just nodded and made my way back to the Gryffindor common room. Somehow, sitting that many exams in a row made me tired. Normally, thinking doesn't make me very tired, but perhaps due to the sheer volume, my head felt like it might explode.

I walked up the stairs to my dormitory and fell onto my bed before promptly falling asleep.

OOooOOooOOooOO

In the morning, I made my way down to the Great Hall and poured myself a cup of coffee. I drank it in silence until Rose sat down across from me.

"That's not healthy, you know," she said, glancing pointedly at my mug. As tends to be her habit these days, she was wearing a navy summer dress.

"Your dress is too short," I replied, taking another drink of my coffee.

"You should eat something," she said, sliding a plate of toast and eggs in my direction.

"Do you want me to get fat?" I asked. I'm not precisely human before I've had my coffee.

"Maybe just a little," she admitted.

I glowered at her. "And why is that?" I asked.

She shrugged noncommittally. "Because, Blondie, as it currently stands, your physique makes it challenging for me to forget that you are both straight and single," she replied, smiling icily at me. "And since I tend to make it a practise to not be attracted to people I spend copious amounts of time with, I would prefer it if you weren't exactly…"

"You think I'm fit?" I asked as a smirk that was probably terrifyingly reminiscent of my father crept across my face.

Rose considered for a moment. "Well, not fit exactly, just less hideous than you should be for my peace of mind."

I nodded and was disturbed that the smirk didn't seem to be going anywhere. "Right," I replied. "Well, take comfort in the fact that I don't like you. If it makes you feel better."

"Fortunately, whatever physical attributes you may have are completely eclipsed by your social skills," she said, narrowing her eyes at me.

"Isn't that just lovely," I replied, the smirk finally dissipating. "We should probably go."

I finished off my coffee and stood up. Rose followed me out the door and up the stairs to headquarters. I froze instantly inside the doorway.

"What?" Rose asked, trying to lean around me.

"The pygmy puffs are gone," I explained, stepping farther in so she could see.

Her jaw dropped. "Where did they go?"

"I already transferred them," Em explained from behind us. She walked in and sat down at one of the desks.

"What did you do with Tribble?" I demanded.

Em gave me a disapproving look. "Merlin forbid I try to separate a boy and his pygmy puff," she said, pulling Tribble out of her pocket and handing him to me.

I tucked him into my own jacket pocket and sat down on a desk. Rose sat next to Em. She seemed to be slightly miffed at me. It couldn't possibly be because I said I didn't like her. That just wouldn't make sense.

Before I could ponder it further, Dylan and Al walked in, holding hands and giggling about something. Al whispered something in Dylan's ear. Dylan promptly turned bright red and slapped him in the stomach.

"You are incorrigible," Dylan informed him, letting go of his hand.

"It's a skill," Al replied, sitting down on one of the desks and pulling out a bottle of something questionable from his jumper. He unscrewed the lid and sniffed it, turning mildly green. He made a face and took a swig. Momentarily, he looked as though he might be sick, but it passed and he put the lid back on the bottle before re-pocketing it.

"What was that?" Em asked, looking slightly disturbed.

"Hangover potion," Al explained, looking disgusted.

"If you didn't drink as much as you do, you wouldn't have to drink that," Dylan pointed out, giving him a look.

"Well, then life would be boring, so…" Al replied. "Now where are whateverthefuckhisnameis and McGeek?"

"So Al can call them that, but I can't?" Rose asked grumpily.

"The difference is, he actually knew their names beforehand," I pointed out.

"I knew their names," Rose replied indignantly.

Em, Dylan, Al, and I gave her a pointed look.

"Well, I knew Will's name because he plays Quidditch," she amended.

"Right," Dylan replied, sounding like he didn't believe her.

Rose huffed at him and crossed her arms and legs simultaneously, looking irritated.

"Regardless," Al said, "where are they?"

"Sorry, sorry, we got hung up at breakfast," Will said, running into headquarters followed by Sam.

"Right," Dylan said. "So everyone's versed on the plan?"

"Roger, Captain," Al replied. Dylan gave him a disapproving look.

"How are we going to know when it's clear?" Sam asked curiously.

"Wow, the OWLs really did fuck your brain, didn't they?" Rose asked, staring at him pensively.

"The Marauder's Map," I said cheerfully, pulling it out of my bag and unfolding it. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The lines spread across the map.

"And it's _Muffliato_, isn't it?" Em asked.

"Right," Rose agreed. "Let's go."

The seven of us gathered our things and made our way down the stairs to the dungeons, where Rose, Al, Will, Sam, Dylan and I stashed ourselves in an abandoned potions room.

"Wish me luck," Em said, winking at Will and disappearing towards the Slytherin common room.

We sat and waited, looking at the Marauder's Map. The common room stayed occupied for what felt like an eternity, until suddenly, all of the Slytherin dots except Em's started moving quickly towards their dorms. The minute they were all gone, we ran out of the potions room and toward the common room. Em opened the door and let us in.

"Breathe at your own risk," she recommended, holding her robes over her face.

The disgusting smell of dung bombs reached my nose before I had time to properly react.

"Eurgh," Rose complained, looking disgusted.

"I've got it!" Sam said, waving his wand exuberantly. Suddenly, we were all encased in bubble head charms.

"Thanks Sam," we chorused, all of us breathing easier. We made our way into the Slytherin common room and Sam instantly slunk off to make sure the Slytherins were properly locked in their dorms.

"Right then," Dylan said. "Rose, you're on the walls. Will, you've got the furniture. Em, the water supply. Scor, pygmy puffs."

I nodded and ducked into Em's dorm room. The pygmy puffs were gambolling around in their cages looking excited about something. I wasn't quite sure, but as there were close to a thousand of them at this point, I gave up trying to understand.

I levitated their cages and made my way back to the common room. In my very brief absence, Rose had managed to charm the walls a lurid shade of fluorescent pink. Will had transfigured all of the furniture into pink puffs of chairs and similar. I didn't particularly want to know how Em had got on with the water supply.

Once Sam had returned from charming their individual doorways, he joined us in the common room and cast a very complicated spell over the entrance to the dorms.

"That's that done," Sam said, dusting his hands off and grinning.

"I'll just…" Will muttered. He waved his wand at the pygmy puff cages and the bars vanished. The common room was instantly flooded with pink and purple pygmy puffs.

"Now we scarper," Al said, running for the door. Dylan, Rose, Sam, Will, and Em followed him. I paused in the doorway to wave my wand once and thereby unlock the dormitory doors of the Slytherins. Then I ran.

OOooOOooOOooOO

Al, Rose and I were enjoying a very peaceful lunch in the Great Hall when a Slytherin first year came sprinting in, barely able to form words. Of course, no one would've recognised him as a Slytherin except for the seven of us.

His hair was shocking magenta, his skin a pale lilac, and his robes were a stunning shade of pink.

"So he drank the water then," Al said calmly so only Rose and I could hear him.

"Quite," I replied in as dignified a voice as I could manage.

"Professor McGonagall!" the boy squeaked, stopping at the High Table and panting out of breath.

McGonagall looked utterly disturbed by the first year's appearance.

"What happened to you?" she demanded.

"The common room," he gasped.

"The common room?" Nott asked, looking dreamily off into the distance. "I should visit."

"No, Professor, don't!" the boy exclaimed. Nott, on drugs as he was, ignored him and floated off to the Slytherin common room. Professors McGonagall and Longbottom followed him. Professor Longbottom paused in the doorway to cast suspicious looks in our direction first.

Fifteen minutes later, Professor Longbottom returned to the Great Hall in absolute hysterics, laughing so hard he was crying.

"Steady on, Dad," Frank called from down the table. Professor Longbottom waved him off and tried to compose himself. He failed utterly.

Moments later, Professor Nott burst in the door flamboyantly. Like the Slytherin first year who'd been sent to get McGonagall, Nott's hair was magenta, his skin lilac, and his robes neon pink.

"I'm purple!" he exclaimed excitedly, dancing on the spot. Everyone in the hall burst into laughter to rival Professor Longbottom's.

"Professor Nott, get back here!" McGonagall yelled, storming into the hall in a fury. She collected Nott and dragged him out of the hall, presumably towards the Hospital Wing.

The minute he was gone, Professor Longbottom doubled over and collapsed on one of the Gryffindor table benches, laughing.

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	12. With Yellow Feathers in Their Hair

**A/N: So this is the last chapter. However, I'm seriously debating making this a longer story, probably a trilogy. I won't if there's no interest, but if any of you would be interested in reading something like that please let me know in a review (not that I'm pushy about reviews or anything).**

****Chapter Twelve - With Yellow Feathers in Their Hair

The last week of school saw the entirety of Slytherin house purple, with magenta hair, and neon robes. They ran to their classes and sat in the back to avoid being seen while the entire staff tried with varying levels of failure to set the Slytherin common room right. Then there was the fact the entire dungeon area had been infested with pygmy puffs. While that hadn't been our original intent, we weren't exactly sad at how it turned out.

Every so often, a small herd of pygmy puffs would appear out of a hole in the wall near the dungeons and roll squeaking across the corridor before disappearing into a different hole. The caretaker had his hands full attempting to catch them. He hadn't even managed one yet.

The morning of the end of year feast, Dylan, Al and I snuck through the tunnel to Hogsmead and made our way to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. We picked up the boxes we'd ordered and made our way back to headquarters.

When we set the boxes down, Sam instantly went about charming them properly.

"Alright, gents," Dylan said, rubbing his hands together and inspecting one of the boxes. "This is the last one. And I'm pretty sure we're going to be fucked after this-"

"Literally," Al supplied from next to him. Dylan and I glared at him and I flicked him in the arm.

"So we need to minimize the casualties," Dylan said.

"Clearly, I'm going to be taken in for questioning," I continued. "Since Nott already suspects me and his drugs are wearing off."

"Professor Longbottom, at least, suspects me as well," Rose said. "Ever since Maleficent."

"And they'll probably pull me in, too, since I'm related to my brother and spend my time with Rose and Scor, and also when we kidnapped McNair," Al finished. "So as long as we can get the four of you out of it, it'll be considered a successful operation."

"Longbottom suspects me, too, since I was there for Maleficent," Em pointed out. Then she thought about it. "Oh, I guess I just have to get caught up in this one."

"Yeah," we agreed.

"No one suspects Will and Sam, so they'll just have to stay at the Ravenclaw table and act normally," Dylan said. "I'll just have to keep a low profile and hope for the best."

"Right, well, we should get on with it then," Rose said, picking up a box. "McGeek, whateverthefuckyournameis, fourth year, Dylan, we bid you farewell."

She headed out the door. Al and I nodded once at everyone else and grabbed the other two boxes before we followed her.

With lots of dodging behind suits of armour to avoid other students, we eventually made our way down to the kitchens. Al tickled a pear in one of the paintings and it turned into a door handle. He pulled it open and we followed him into the kitchen.

The house elves were in full bustle for the end of year feast and looked surprised when we walked in.

"How can Minty help young masters?" one of them asked, bowing at us. Rose cringed and I took that moment to remember what her mother did for a living.

"Hi, Minty," Al said cheerfully, bending down to talk to her. "We've got something special to put in the Slytherin table's food."

He showed her the three boxes.

"Minty can oblige young masters," Minty replied, snapping her fingers. Instantly, the boxes levitated and floated towards the miniaturized Slytherin table.

"And we're sure they're charmed properly," Rose asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "Sam did it. Sam doesn't screw up."

"Right," Al agreed. "Because if we're going for effect, it'll have to be simultaneous-"

"We know," Rose and I replied, cutting him off.

"Okay then," Al said. "Scor, grab the Map and we'll get out of here."

I reached into my pocket to pull out the Marauder's Map, only to discover it wasn't there. Frantic now, I searched my other pockets only to come up with a few empty Drooble's wrappers, pygmy puff hairs, and lint.

"Fuck," I whispered, looking up at Rose and Al with desperate eyes.

"You've got to be kidding me," Rose said, her eyes wide like she couldn't believe I could possibly be so stupid.

Al nodded to himself. "We'll have to go one at a time," he said. "I'll go first."

We nodded in agreement and Al ducked out the portrait hole into the corridor. We didn't hear him exclaim in worry or impending trouble, so I followed him out. Al was long gone. And no one else was around. I knocked on the painting.

"All clear," I muttered just loudly enough Rose would be able to hear me.

She stepped out and we started to walk up the corridor when up ahead we heard Al exclaim in surprise.

"Professor Nott!" he said loudly, clearly trying to warn us. "You're less purple!"

"What the devil are you doing down here, Potter?" Nott demanded irately. Now that the drugs have worn off, he's got much more irritable. Back to his old cheerful self.

"Well, my boyfriend's in Hufflepuff, so I thought I'd come try and bother him," Al invented, desperately trying to buy us time.

"What do we do?" I whispered to Rose. The kitchens were too far away for us to make it before Nott shook Al off and there was nowhere else to hide.

"I could've sworn I just saw Abramson in the library, Potter," Nott said. "Who are you protecting? Is it Malfoy?" There was a demonic edge in his tone.

I looked back at Rose. She bit her lip and looked like she definitely had a plan, she just didn't necessarily want to use it.

"Malfoy?" Al asked, panic edging into his voice. Apparently, that sealed Nott's suspicions, for we heard footsteps start towards us.

The minute the footsteps headed our way, Rose grabbed both my hands by the wrist and placed them on her arse.

"Rose, what are you-" I started to whisper. I was cut off when she grabbed me by the back of the head and kissed me. It took about half a second for the shock to wear off, at which point, I used my hold on her to pull her closer. She backed towards the wall, pulling me with her.

We'd been there for about ten seconds when I heard Nott burst into the part of the corridor where we were standing.

"Malfoy! Weasley!" he exclaimed.

Reluctantly, I stopped kissing Rose, but I couldn't find it in myself to let go of her.

"Yes, Professor?" I asked slightly huskily. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Yes, Professor Nott, sir?"

"What are you two…doing?" he asked, staring at us clearly disturbed.

"I believe the technical term is snogging, sir," I replied as drily as possible.

Rose managed to hide a laugh. I was highly conscious of the fact her hands had left my hair and were now on my chest.

"Yes, but…why?" Nott asked, still looking unsettled.

"Why not?" Rose and I asked in perfectly innocent unison.

Nott regarded us suspiciously. "You're not supposed to be down here. Ten points from Gryffindor. Get out."

We ran up the corridor and found Al waiting anxiously for us.

"Did he catch you?" he asked.

"He caught us doing something," Rose replied somewhat coyly.

The three of us made our way towards the Great Hall. I waited until we were seated at the Gryffindor table before I exploded.

"What the fuck was that?" I demanded in the harshest whisper I could manage.

"It was the only thing I could think of that would keep us out of trouble at that particular moment in time," Rose whispered back in the same tone. "And I didn't exactly see you complaining."

"Not like I had much chance since you were using my tongue for something else," I retorted.

"Don't be so immature, Blondie, it was just a kiss for Merlin's sake," Rose said huffily.

Al was looking back and forth between us like he was watching some sort of game.

"What did you two _do_?" he asked finally.

"You told us Nott was coming, so Blondie grabbed my arse and-" Rose started to explain.

"_I _grabbed your arse?" I interjected. "I believe you forcefully placed my hands there, thanks. And then you kissed me."

Al looked pensive for a moment. "Yeah, I see where Roxie was coming from," he said eventually. I glared at him.

"Where Roxie was coming from with what?" Rose asked.

"Never you mind," I replied grumpily. I was saved from further explanation by the rest of the school, including the spottily purple Slytherins, joining us in the hall.

"May I have your attention please," Professor McGonagall said, standing up at the High Table. Everyone turned to face her. "It's the end of another year. As such, it's time to award the House Cup. In fourth place, Ravenclaw, with 310 points. In third place, Hufflepuff, with 476 points. In second place, Slytherin with 600 points, and finally, the House Cup will be awarded to Gryffindor, who have 731 points. Well done Gryffindor."

She clapped her hands and the banners in the hall changed to Gryffindor scarlet and gold. Al, Rose, and I cheered along with the rest of our house.

"On a slightly more serious note, this year has seen some of the worst pranks since George Weasley attended Hogwarts," Professor McGonagall continued. "If the culprit behind these pranks would reveal him or herself before the train leaves tomorrow, the punishment will be much less severe. On that pleasant note, please tuck in."

She waved her arm across the hall and the food from the kitchen appeared on the tables.

Rose, Al, and I watched apprehensively as the Slytherins tucked in to their food. Em glanced over at us and winked, before she took the first bite. She was the last in her house to start.

The minute everyone in Slytherin had taken a bit of food, they burst, in unison, into bright yellow canaries.

Screams broke out at Hufflepuff, who were closest to the Slytherins. The screams quickly turned to laughter as the Slytherins slowly popped back into their purple selves. Ravenclaw joined in the laughter while the entirety of Gryffindor house stood on the benches and applauded.

Rose, Al, and I remained in our seats for long enough it was probably suspicious. A few of the Slytherins were still emitting birdsong.

Before we could haul ourselves to our feet and pretend we had no idea what was going on, strong hands closed on mine and Al's shoulders. We looked up in resigned horror to see Professor Longbottom.

"I think the three of you had best come with me," he said in a deadly calm voice while the thunderous applause continued.

We nodded and followed him unnoticed out of the hall. He led us silently to his office, ushered us in, and closed the door.

"Sit," he said, pointing at the three chairs in front of his desk. We sat. He didn't. "Gordon Montague?"

We nodded silently.

"Travis Flint?" Another nod. "Garth McNair?"

He seemed to not need our admission of guilt past that.

"Maleficent Goyle? Conrad Ackerly? The entire Slytherin Quidditch team, the common room, and now this," he listed. I tried to work out his tone of voice. I found I couldn't. "Never in all my years at Hogwarts have I seen this type of behaviour from Gryffindors, bar the exodus of Fred and George Weasley."

"What about the DA?" Al asked, barely above a whisper. "In your seventh year. With my mum and Aunt Luna and-"

Professor Longbottom held up a hand to silence Al. He acquiesced instantly.

"The stunts you pulled were dangerous and low, and unethical-" he listed.

"But Professor-" Rose interjected.

"- just plain _wrong_, and fifty points to Gryffindor," he finished. "Each."

"Sorry?" I asked after a pause.

"I believe you heard me, Mr Malfoy," Professor Longbottom said.

"I did, I'm just very confused," I replied.

He regarded the three of us. "I know what they did to you, each of them, over the years and I tried to tell Professor McGonagall about it, but Nott managed to protect them," Professor Longbottom explained. "At least this way, I didn't have to get involved directly. Be forewarned, however, that Nott is definitely onto you and-"

"Professor?" Rose piped up in the most timid voice I'd ever heard her use.

"Yes, Rose?" he asked.

Rose swallowed nervously. "Professor Nott needs to be sacked," she said.

"For drug use?" Professor Longbottom asked. "Because he claims he was poisoned-"

"Not for drugs," Rose said in the same voice. "For attempting inappropriate relations with his students."

Al and I turned and stared at her in utter shock.

"What?" Professor Longbottom asked in a completely deadly tone of voice.

Roes seemed to be at the point of crying. "He – he tried last year to – to hit on me. He – he put his hand on my leg and-"

She broke off and hugged her knees to her chest while Al and I stared slack jawed at her.

"Come with me," Professor Longbottom said, leading all three of us back to the Great Hall.

The minute we stepped into the hall, we found ourselves face to face with Professor Nott. In light of the reason Nott had given Rose detention, Al and I stepped protectively in front of her.

"Those are the three," Nott said. "They were lurking down in the kitchens earlier and-"

He was cut off when Professor Longbottom grabbed him by the throat and dragged him up to the High Table, Nott making odd spluttering noises the entire way.

Professors Longbottom and McGonagall's conversation was quiet enough we couldn't hear it, but the fact it culminated with McGonagall's nostrils flaring with rage and Nott being blasted out the doors to the hall made it all to clear what had happened.

"Termination of post immediately, awaiting investigation," McGonagall spat in Nott's direction. Nott scrambled to his feet and then turned on his heel and stormed off to the dungeons.

"Rosie," Al said like he was talking to someone on their death bed.

"No, Al, I do not want to talk about it," she said, returned to her cheerful self. "If you don't mind, I'm going to enjoy the remainder of the feast."

She turned away from us and sat down at the Gryffindor table by herself. Al started to go after her, but I stopped him.

"We should probably listen to her," I recommended.

We waited a moment.

"So, do you suppose we should turn ourselves in to McGonagall?" Al asked.

I glanced at Professor Longbottom who was still seething at the empty space where Nott had last disappeared.

"Professor Longbottom isn't going to tell anyone," I said. "It'll end better for us if we don't either."

Al nodded. "I'm really glad you said that, because I didn't particularly want to come clean. My dad would kill me."

I smiled bitterly. "My dad will," I said.

"Not if he doesn't find out," Al pointed out.

I smiled again. "Oh, no, I'm going to tell him."

Al gave me a very sketchy look as we sat down at the table. I smiled unnervingly back. Sixth year is already shaping up to be better than any of the preceding. This time, I'll actually have friends.

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